"the older you get, the more..." What? The more what? We were so close to getting some wisdom!

Presumably this Intended Leila is a prostitute, since Angelwings is texting her to make an "app" for a "hook-up."

Ugh. Steven. What a sheep.

This sounds great! If there is a pool then I am DEFINITELY coming over! If you don't have a pool, that okay; you can also win my friendship with a backyard trampoline or a convertible.

This is the plot of a Paula Danziger novel right here. Child of divorced parents. Ditched by her friend Leila. Missing her shorts. What's a girl to do?

And just like this, another middle-school romance collapses.

Sure I'll help color your hair. I'll help color it LIKE THIS:

Came home from a week out of the country to this text message. Sure thing, guy.

Portion control is great and all, but counting pieces of pasta is taking dieting to the next level.

This series of texts makes me feel pretty darn bad for Eric's parents.

Happy Belmont Stakes day! Whom are YOU betting on?

I had Grand Jury duty two years ago. I saw a LOT of ADAs an heard about a LOT of robberies. Grand Jury is alternately incredibly boring and incredibly depressing, and it's hard to say which part is worse.

Actually, I just don't want to talk to her anymore. But I didn't have the heart to tell her that.

What book are Leila and 315 reading?

Options:

50 Shades of Grey
Bridge to Terebithia

So where do we think Leila works that's fast at night but not during the day? I keep coming back to "24-hour strip club," but that may just be the optimist in me.

908 leads an extremely healthy lifestyle.

It's St. Mary's Assyrian Church, actually. In Tarzana, California. But what are they voting on? That's the real question. Also, have any of you ever actually been to Tarzana, California?

Murrieta Valley is a school district in California. If their website is to be believed, the school Leila's playing is going to be hard to beat. Their website also notes that they are good at spelling bees.

Gonna go out on a limb here and say that Leila sounds like a bit of a fuckup.

To all of you who are in your last days of school: hooray! What are your summer plans?

Trick question: it's tie dye! Therefore it is all the colors of the rainbow.

"You guys will probably have a lot in common. You know, because you all have spouses."

Here's a hint: her phone number starts with "971."

Th joke is, he's not actually a captain. He's actually a first lieutenant.

Aww this is sweet. I really should have helped this person find a just-right birthday gift for Mona.

Okay, fine. You win the "who loves whom more?" contest. I only love you up until the moment of death, and after that probably not, because that would really depend on whether or not there is an afterlife, as well as whether said afterlife acknowledges the concept of "love." So, yes, you win.

This brings me sadness, too. What has happened to John?

Okay, this party sounds legit. I am going to buy the hell out of a new J. Crew bikini, and then we are going to sit in lounge chairs and talk about our "true feelings" that we were never able to share during four years of high school.

CRAZY SHIT went down last night! For one, I cooked pasta! Also brushed my teeth AND used Listerine!

"Despite your highly acrimonious divorce, Daddy has agreed to drop your children off at your house one day out of the year, and that is on your birthday. It's just like joint custody. So, you'd better be home now."

Just keep saying "hey" every day or so. Eventually Leila is bound to reply. How could she not?

Sure. So this is text-speak for "Can you translate stuff for me?"

Does that help?

Not sure this text is helping with the language barrier any.

Back in my pre-iPhone dark days, I would have spent an entire night typing this up for you. Now all it takes is seven screenshots. Which, by the way, is also a lot of effort.

I don't know which is harder: spelling, or finding the space key on your cell phone.

Let this be a PSA for all of us. What are YOU getting mom this Mother's Day? (Correct answer: a grandchild.)

I think this is the first time I've ever been mistaken for a bus-driving Leila.

I wonder why 301 needs another copy of her birth certificate. Maybe she is getting MARRIED! That would be an exciting reason.

Skatetown USA is "the Tri State's Premier Roller Skating Facility." And when you visit their website, it immediately starts playing a pump-up skate-time jam by Taio Cruz. Consider yourself warned.

You can leave Ryan at home, but I should warn you that my babysitting rates are pretty steep. Especially when Brent's not there.