Sorry, dear Leila Text afficianados, for the lack of updates over the past week. I have been very preoccupied because I just SOLD MY FIRST NOVEL. It's called Wayward Girls and it will be published by Simon & Schuster in fall of 2010. My novel has almost nothing to do with text messaging, except that in one scene one of the characters sends a text. Still. I thought you might want to know, anyway.

Other than that update, life remains the same, and texts of congratulations intended for me come interspersed with texts asking other Leilas where they left their bio textbooks, or whose turn it is to pick up the kids from soccer. So let's get down to business.

Are you with your dad this weekend coming up?
from a 508 phone number, Sunday, September 6, 11:26 AM

I just hope this isn't sent by Leila's mother. I like for parents, at the very least, to know their own joint custody schedule.

get ur ass over here
from an 815 phone number, Saturday, September 5, 9:17 PM

I respond to requests. Not commands.

hey do u want dohnuts or cheese danish? -fia wants cheese danish.
from a 919 phone number, Saturday, September 5, 8:17 AM

Fia has no taste. I want donuts, please. I had a donut at 2 AM last night, and every bite of it was brilliant.

hey could you get me the name of that lab again please?
from a 915 phone number, Friday, September 4, 10:32 PM

Is this a homework request? Then my answer is, absolutely not. I will not get you the name of that lab at 10:32 on the Friday night of a long weekend. Let's readdress this question on Monday afternoon. For now, why don't you go get wasted or watch a movie, like normal students?

Can u please get me yummy ice cream when u lids come home
from a 703 phone number, Friday, September 4, 6:03 PM

I mant kids and i am praying
from a 703 phone number, Friday, September 4, 6:03 PM

I kind of hope she meant "paying," as in "I am paying for the ice cream," not "I am praying that you kids get me yummy ice cream." I mean, I often seriously hope for yummy ice cream. But praying for it seems like overkill.

we have a rez @ Mc & Schnick 4 7pm. How ya doin,?
from a 713 phone number, Friday, September 4, 5:48 PM

Well, I hope Leila likes seafood.

Can we leave our french textbook home
from a 973 phone number, Friday, September 4, 3:56 PM

I hope so. That shit is heavy.

marie eeeeppp help help help save me kidnapp me
Cubkid
from a 775 phone number, Friday, September 4, 2:58 AM

marie well ima try to get a hold of brad so....
Cubkid
from a 775 phone number, Friday, September 4, 4:27 PM

marie say no
Cubkid
from a 775 phone number, Friday, September 4, 8:28 PM

marie ugh here it goes im talking to jimmy im scarded hell be mad at me
Clubkid
from a 775 phone number, Saturday, September 5, 4:32 PM

What I don't understand is that the first three texts from this number are signed "Cubkid" (like a fan of the Cubs, maybe?), but the last one is signed "Clubkid." Is this last one a typo? Or is 775 a Cubkid on weekdays and a Clubkid on weekends?

hey leila do you think you fit me in tomorrow sometime between 930 am and 2pm i have work at 230?
~Steph~3
from a 408 phone number, Thursday, September 3, 10:11 PM

Theories? We think this Leila is a... hair dresser?

Hi, What is W/S? Do you have expenses for 09?. Love, Dad
from a 541 phone number, Thursday, September 3, 10:59 AM

Sorry, Leila's Dad, I have no idea what W/S is. Workshop? Wide/Short? Something related to expenses?

make it 915..sorry..jumping in showe now
from a 302 phone number, Thursday, September 3, 8:58 AM

No excuses, 302. You are LATE. That is UNACCEPTABLE in my book. Unless I am late, which is totally commonplace.

talk 2 mom yesterday she told me that uncle l left her $3000 i hope monica does not find out i will call u 2nite
from a 301 phone number, Thursday, September 3, 6:05 AM

I'm kind of killing that secret, aren't I?

FWD: i love you.. Whoever stops this will be unhappy for 667 days. Tell 9 friends in 2min you love them, I better get one =)
from a 425 phone number, Wednesday, September 2, 12:53 AM

FWD: FWD:FWD: Ur 2 cute 4 haters, 2 real 2 be fake, 2 sweet 2 be candy, n 2 special 2 be replaced! Sed 2 every1 u Care 4. <33
from a 323 phone number, Thursday, September 3, 8:41 PM

Sometimes I express doubt regarding the statistics about how many texts teens send. But then I receive messages like these, and I'm like, "Oh."

henry scott told me 2 ask u if u would go out with me
from a 503 phone number, Tuesday, September 1, 2:50 AM

I love this deflection of responsibility. "I'm asking you out, but it wasn't my idea. Frankly I am repulsed by you and therefore will be totally cool with it if you turn me down. I'm only making this gesture because Scott told me to, and, well, you know Scott."

r we all meeting at 2 at columbus circls
PB&J
from a 917 phone number, Monday, August 31, 1:38 PM

Gosh, I hope not. If we were, I totally bailed and just stayed at work, instead.

am in walmart parkinglot behind chick filet
from an 832 phone number, Sunday, August 30, 3:54 PM

What a classy location to be at, 832.

La maquina llega a las 7 en el vuelo 1901 de AA con el sr Joel Tejeda del Banco Central
from a 786 phone number, Saturday, August 29, 10:28 PM

Time for Round Two of "I took six years of Spanish in school":

"The machine comes at 7 the something 1901 of AA (alcoholics anonymous?) with Mr. Joel Tejeda of the Central Bank."

I am basically fluent, except where I am not.

Will u send me some animated pics and i will send u some
(:*GYMRAT*:)
from a 765 phone number, Saturday, August 29, 8:29 PM

If u have some of these i will send some more. i have more. jlmk
(:*GYMRAT*:)
from a 765 phone number, Saturday, August 29, 8:33 PM

"jlmk" is "just let me know," for those of you not "down" with the "lingo." I assume GYMRAT wants Leila to let her know if she has any animated pics. Animated pics of what, I cannot say. Gymrats, maybe?

i have ten in allowence n mommas gonna get her something that she said leila wanted! but its gonne by frome me shes just gonna get it!
MiNi-WhEaTs
from a 909 phone number, Saturday, August 29, 4:29 PM

There are many things I do not understand about this text, starting with the sender's sig line, and going through to why she is talking to Leila in the third person. Any ideas?

Heyy! What are you wearing to the party!?
from a 508 phone number, Saturday, August 29, 1:06 PM

Heyy! Leila get out of babysitting friday ya loser!
from a 508b phone number, Sunday, August 30, 10:21 AM

I love weekends. I love spending all day, from 1 PM onward, thinking about what to wear to a party. Why Leila would skip the scene for a babysitting job is beyond me.