Th joke is, he's not actually a captain. He's actually a first lieutenant.

Aww this is sweet. I really should have helped this person find a just-right birthday gift for Mona.

Okay, fine. You win the "who loves whom more?" contest. I only love you up until the moment of death, and after that probably not, because that would really depend on whether or not there is an afterlife, as well as whether said afterlife acknowledges the concept of "love." So, yes, you win.

This brings me sadness, too. What has happened to John?

Okay, this party sounds legit. I am going to buy the hell out of a new J. Crew bikini, and then we are going to sit in lounge chairs and talk about our "true feelings" that we were never able to share during four years of high school.

CRAZY SHIT went down last night! For one, I cooked pasta! Also brushed my teeth AND used Listerine!

"Despite your highly acrimonious divorce, Daddy has agreed to drop your children off at your house one day out of the year, and that is on your birthday. It's just like joint custody. So, you'd better be home now."

Just keep saying "hey" every day or so. Eventually Leila is bound to reply. How could she not?

Sure. So this is text-speak for "Can you translate stuff for me?"

Does that help?

Not sure this text is helping with the language barrier any.

Back in my pre-iPhone dark days, I would have spent an entire night typing this up for you. Now all it takes is seven screenshots. Which, by the way, is also a lot of effort.

I don't know which is harder: spelling, or finding the space key on your cell phone.

Let this be a PSA for all of us. What are YOU getting mom this Mother's Day? (Correct answer: a grandchild.)

I think this is the first time I've ever been mistaken for a bus-driving Leila.

I wonder why 301 needs another copy of her birth certificate. Maybe she is getting MARRIED! That would be an exciting reason.

Skatetown USA is "the Tri State's Premier Roller Skating Facility." And when you visit their website, it immediately starts playing a pump-up skate-time jam by Taio Cruz. Consider yourself warned.

You can leave Ryan at home, but I should warn you that my babysitting rates are pretty steep. Especially when Brent's not there.

I hope it's something like a pretty news dress, and not something boring like new covers for my patio furniture. Or maybe if I had patio furniture, that wouldn't seem so boring.