To seneca make a right on 206 at the diner...and your first left on carranza
from a 609 phone number, Saturday, January 5, 9:34 AM

This text offers further proof that this 609 lady is not in high school:

1. High schoolers are shit at giving directions; or, at least, I was, when I was in high school. I was always like, "Just drive until you come to that place, then go right... well, not really right, but sort of veer right?... and then you'll see it on the left. Or maybe on the right. It's either the first or second green house." Using street names and highway numbers is behavior peculiar to adults.

2. High schoolers do not send text messages at 9:34 AM on a Saturday.

Case closed.

OH BUT WAIT-- I just googled "seneca" and "carranza." Turns out Seneca HIGH SCHOOL is on Carranza Rd. in Tabernacle, NJ. So is 609 a high school student, after all? Or is she the parent of a high school student?

Lesson of the day: The case is never closed. Not when it comes to the Leila Texts.

Sorry I've taken such a long hiatus from this blog. I went away on vacation for a while, and then I had to get my phone replaced (for reasons unconnected to text messages), but now I'm back! So let's kick off the new year with a bang:

Amy johnson is now a vet at new bolton who will be specializing in neurology. Spoke to her today
from a 609 phone number, Thursday, January 3, 2:36 PM

Aside from the obvious explanation, which is that this message is code for something (like where "vet" = drug dealer and "neurology" = crystal meth), let's imagine why 609 is passing along such detailed information for Leila. Maybe Amy Johnson went to Leila's high school, but they've fallen out of touch in the years since, so 609 has tracked Amy down for Leila. You can tell 609 and Leila, unlike so many of the Leila Texters, are not still in high school because they use words like "specializing" and "neurology" in their text messages, as opposed to words like "hot" and "bitch."

Hi Leila
How are you
WHen you are done in the bathroom do you want to go in your room so we can text
from a 949 phone number, Saturday, December 16, 2:54 PM

Yeah, girl. That sounds like a fun exercise. Why don't you and Leila go into her room, and then you can send her text messages, which she won't receive them, because I will instead, only you won't know it, and then... Well, I guess that's about all that will happen. So definitely, fun, go do it.

WhereRU
from a 714 phone number, Saturday, December 15, 10:47 PM

Does anyone else think this looks like ToysRUs?

sorry bout yesterday really bad day and now im fighting with daniel
from a 313 phone number, Saturday, December 15, 6:36 PM

u trying to get me back
from a 313 phone number, Saturday, December 15, 7:02 PM

This was where I had to call back 313 girl and reassure her that I have no idea what she did yesterday to Leila that she's now apologizing for, but I'm sure her saying sorry will clear things up, because no, Leila isn't trying to "get her back"; Leila simply didn't receive her texted apology, that's all.

I wonder how many friendships' fates actually rest in my hands. Being the recipient of the Leila Texts can be quite the responsibility.

sebbih goulilou all u have is a fat ass and large hips
from a 702 phone number, Saturday, December 15, 2:23 PM

I take this as some sort of criticism, except for the first two words, which may be critical? But mostly read like nonsense. And it's hard to take someone seriously, when they tell you that you have a fat ass and large hips, when they preface this statement with faux-Swahili.

Hello? where r u? mummies nervous plz call
from a 718 phone number, Friday, December 14, 10:00 PM

This now makes me wonder where Leila was, that her mummie should have gotten nervous. Was Leila supposed to be home by 9 PM, and then she didn't call to say she'd be out later? But why WAS she out later? And why DIDN'T she call? I hope Leila wasn't doing drugs. Or getting pregnant.

ill be at U31 tonights..my buddys spinning..gaslamp killer..u and some girls should come out
from an 858 phone number, Friday, December 14, 9:38 PM

Question: Is "Gas Lamp Killer" his friend's DJ name? And, if so, WHY? I mean, I am all for DJ names, especially ones that include the word "killer," but... How can you kill a gas lamp? Am I just so square that I can't understand these things?

Ou est tu?
from a 718 phone number, Friday, December 14, 7:11 PM

The Leila Texts may actually turn out to be very useful for building my French vocabulary, too.

Leelo en voz baja: Virgencita, t amo mucho y necesito para siempre estes en lo mas profundo d mi corazon,no m dejes de tu mano,cubre con los benediciones
from a 951 phone number, Friday, December 14, 4:39 PM

a mi familia,hogar, empleo,finazas,suenos,pro yectos y amigos. pasa esta oracion a 7 pers. excepto a mi, recibiras un milagro manana no lo ignores
from a 951 phone number, Friday, December 14, 4:40 PM

Thank God I took Spanish in high school:

Text 1: Read this softly: little virgin, I love you a lot and I need for you always to be in the profoundest of my heart, do not leave me from your hand, cover with the benedictions.

Tex2: To my family, home, employment, finances, dreams, protectors, and friends. Pass this oration on to 7 people excepting me, and you will receive a miracle tomorrow that you cannot ignore.

The Leila Texts may actually turn out to be very useful for building my Spanish vocabulary.

i bet ill show up and ya'll are gunna be sleepy..and crashed out
from an 858 phone number, Friday, December 14, 3:58 AM

You are correct in your bet, 858 guy. I WAS sleepy and crashed out when you sent this text message. Because it was 4 AM IN THE GODDAMN MORNING ON A GODDAMN WEEKNIGHT.

Hi give me a call please thank sandra
from a 505 phone number, Thursday, December 13, 12:14 PM

I did give Sandra a call. Because, you know, she asked me to. And I do my best to follow orders.

Unrelated: I'm going to be out of the country, with no access to my cell phone, during the last week of December. I'm genuinely worried about how many text messages are going to accumulate without my being around to delete them. My saved text messages inbox is already at 85% capacity. What happens when you go over your limit? The best I can hope for is that people won't text anyone named Leila during that week. I don't know if I can bank on that.

Hey wats up
from a 301 phone number, Wednesday, December 12, 6:10 PM

I'm sitting in my living room, eating Annie's macaroni and cheese in my pajamas, so, honestly, not that much.

Mummy says hi and
from a 718 phone number, Tuesday, December 11, 9:29 PM

Luv
from a 718 phone number, Tuesday, December 11, 9:30 PM

You
from a 718 phone number, Tuesday, December 11, 9:30 PM

But does Mummy say, "718 girl, I pay your cell phone bills, and you just spent 30 cents on texts when you could have spent only 10"?


Also, dear readers, I'm going to level with you here: I mostly just update this blog whenever my cell phone inbox is overflowing and I need to record these texts some place so that I can free up enough space to receive actual texts from my actual friends. Yes, they are few and far between, but sometimes I really do get text messages directed to me. It's crazy, I know.

O too cool for m now?
from a 978 phone number, Tuesday, December 11, 9:27 PM

Probably. I am really very cool, you know.

wat r u doing
from a 415 phone number, Tuesday, December 11, 9:08 PM

NO. Do you know who this is from? SYDNEY, VERONICA'S FRIEND. I'm not... I can't even address this. Sydney, sweetie, check your voicemail. I think I explained matters there more clearly than I could ever hope to do in print.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, SYDNEY.

Do u know if jula made ur team? That would be cool
from a 310 phone number, Monday, December 10, 9:11 PM

No, 310, I don't know. I feel like I've explained this very clearly in the past: I use the Leila Texts as a source of sports knowledge. I don't have any sports knowledge to offer. Please send me statements, not questions. What good would a Magic 8 ball be if it asked only questions?

hey its t]ler wuzup
*HOLY SHRIMP!*
from a 706b phone number, Saturday, December 8, 9:48 PM

My phone won't let me use predictive typing to write "shit," so I think substituting in "shrimp" is a good second-best option. Nice thinking, t]ler.

My phone also won't let me type "damn." Instead, the options it gives me are "econ," "famo," "fann," "dann," "damo," and "ebon"-- NONE OF WHICH ARE ACTUALLY WORDS, UNLIKE "DAMN," WHICH IS-- so, t]ler, if you can come up with any clever names for shellfish that sound like the word "damn," please let me know.

R U going tonight to Mac?
from a 949 phone number, Saturday, December 8, 3:17 PM

Potential explanations here...
949 and Leila are going to the MAC cosmetics store?
They're going to the Apple computer store?
They're eating at McDomalds?

Please, aforementioned companies, feel free to send me promotional materials any time now.

Omg r u kiddin me? U say u never wanna se or talk to me again. Wow grow up. Now u kno how i feel when ur all over marc ok. Ya much no a best friend!
from a 203 phone number, Friday, December 7, 2 :19 PM

And u say thats just who u r. Well u can change that cuz if i can than so can u. So grow up and dont cal me a bitch when i do so much for u.
from a 203 phone number, Friday, December 7, 2:21 PM

There's nothing like being told to "grow up" by a girl who breaks up with her best friend over text messaging. 203 is obviously a paragon of maturity, and if she says to grow up, well, then Leila should probably grow the hell up, shouldn't she?

I called this girl back, anyway, because I thought I could provide a little wisdom that comes from having lived through middle school. I ended up leaving her a message, in which I first explained how to text her ex-best friend Leila (instead of me), and then went on to say the following:

"This text you tried to send Leila is pretty passive-aggressive. It's generally better to carry on these sorts of conversations over the phone, or better yet in person. If you can't say these things to her in person, then they probably shouldn't be said. More to the point, you know Leila is just going to forward this text to all your friends. And then you'll come off looking bad. It's always better not to have these things in writing. Okay, good luck!"

I don't know if 203 took my advice to heart or not. I haven't yet gotten any thank-you texts, so I guess not. But 203 girl, if you're out there and want to thank me but just don't know how: You always know how to reach me.