what the hell are you doing. leila
from a 763 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 9:18 PM

This sounded pretty angry, and I figured maybe I could stave off some of the anger by replying. So I sent my standard Leila Text reply, which I don't send to everything, just the ones that I think especially demand an answer, and then only when I have the time. My standard reply, in case you were wondeirng, is something like, "Sorry your text came to me instead of Leila. Please text her again by pulling her name out of your contacts list. Do not type it in."

A few minutes after I sent this explanatory text, I received this response:

who is this and sorry for the messege
from a 763 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 10:11 PM

I was like, cool, problem solved, it's kind of this person to apologize. I didn't text back-- why would I? What more do 763 and I have to say to each other?

Loads, apparently.

WHO IS this. you dont have to say but what did the meseege say please tell me it can be personal.
from a 763 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 10:45 PM

"What did the meseege say"? Uh, what do you THINK it said? Check your outbox and see what you tried to text to Leila earlier. That's what it said.

This was a dumb question, and I was out with my friend Becca, and I don't like being spoken to in capital letters by strangers. I still didn't reply. A few minutes later...

is this a person of computer.
from a 763 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 10:52 PM

A computer? Kid, what is your concept of how technology works?

Finally, I found a lull in Becca and my conversation and called 763. (Which, frankly, is what 763 should have done herself. When text messages are not getting the response you want, CALLING is an excellent back-up. Not to sound retro or anything.)

763 sounded very, very slow. I reiterated what I had said in my text message, like thirty seconds passed, and then 763 said, "Oh."

I was like, "Yeah, so, are we done here?"

Another thirty second passed because 763 asked me, "What did the text say?"

For Christ's sake. "It asked Leila what she was doing. No big deal." I left out the "hell" part of 763's original text. I don't know why. I guess I thought that was the "personal" part.

763 said, "Oh."

I said, "I'm hanging up now."

I hung up. Becca said, "I can't believe I just witnessed the Leila Texts IN ACTION."

Nothing but fun and games when you go out with me on a Thursday evening, as I'm sure this posting demonstrates.

FWD: Why do U of U fans store their diploma on their windshield?

So that they can park in handicapped parking.
from a 661 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 7:10 PM

It's refreshing to see a chain text like this that's NOT about President-elect Obama.

DANG ur fine! Cute ass smile, bangin body, Sexy as ever! Why u smiling? This was sent 2 me, im just lettin u read it! HAHAHA
from a 727 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 3:46 PM

And now, dear reader, I am letting YOU read it, too. Spreading the love/lust.

leila u rule
from a 970 phone number, Wednesday, November 19, 12:34 AM

I almost didn't post this text here because I was so convinced it was for me, but, like, I guess it's possible that some other Leila out there rules, too.

So Peter really needs to get his powers back.
from a 425 phone number, Wednesday, November 19, 12:32 AM

I have decided this is a text about Heroes. I don't watch Heroes, but, on the basis of this text, I now feel perfectly comfortable slipping into conversation, "Heroes would be a way better show if only Pete would get his powers back." Yes? All your Heroes-watchers out there, want to engage in conversation with me?

Tu ma se viene con lety
from a 909 phone number, Tuesday, November 18, 2:27 PM

"Your something comes with something."

Jesus Christ, the UN should hire me as a translator or something.

Hey does ur mobile im cost u anything
from an 847 phone number, Monday, November 17, 7:55 PM

Probably. There's not much free in the way of phones. Except for the joy a Leila Text brings. That's priceless.

Please bring our lettuce for our seafood salad thanks see you in an hour
from a 510 phone number, Sunday, November 16, 8:25 PM

Ew I hate seafood salads. But I do love dinner parties!

hey whats up is anyone there yet?
from a 310 phone number, Sunday, November 16, 6:58 PM

Maybe like Leila is throwing a party and 310 doesn't want to be the first guest there so she's trying to figure out who else has already arrived? Only... who throws parties on Sunday evenings?

Oh, that reminds me-- I'm trying to schedule a winter cocktail party and am having a hell of a time of it. If one of your friends invited you to a Thursday night cocktail party, would you go? Is Thursday, as I was informed today, indeed the new Friday?

on the way
from a 912 phone number, Saturday, November 15, 3:03 AM

At 3:03 AM? Goodness, where were on your way to at 3:03 AM? (Not that I'm faulting you-- I was on my way to a bar at 3:03 AM, so it makes total sense to me.)

hoy sasagutin mo ba ang fone?
from an 818 phone number, Friday, November 14, 10:50 PM

All right, translators. Go to it. You were so good with the Serbian ninja that I know you can figure out this one, too. The first word could be Spanish, but the rest is definitely not...

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd:Fwd: Why do men like to be on bottom during sex?...Because they ONLY know how to FUCK UP!..keep this going ladies!
from a 562 phone number, Thursday, November 13, 10:11 PM

Sorry, this doesn't make too much logical sense. If 562 were saying that men could only be on the bottom duing sex, then her conclusion that it's because they "ONLY" know how to fuck up would make sense. As it stands, she just tells us that men like to be on the bottom, which would imply, at best, that they LIKE to fuck up. A statement of somewhat less power than the current claim.

Anyway, that's obviously just me, as, based on the number of "FWD"s, at least seven ladies found this funny or true enough to share with their friends (or with strangers named Leila).

hey i have your comp book still...
from a 626 phone number, Thursday, November 13, 8:43 PM

Honestly, you can keep it. Who wants to do computer homework this weekend, anyway. (Other than my friend Jason, who always wants to do computer homework. Hey, Jason. What up.)

what time do you want to be picked up
from a 508 phone number, Thursday, November 13, 2:31 PM

Man, I wish I or anyone I knew in this city owned a car.

FWD: Lets see if this works! I'm trusting you! I sent an angel to take care of u! Give her to 9 friends including me.u will have good news in 2 hrs
from a 425 phone number, Wednesday, November 12, 9:53 PM

I'm impressed that 425 is in charge of choosing whom angels protect. You see? I get text messages from some really influential individuals!

No opera for me this weekend. i really have to buckle down and get some homework done. I let nadia know. Thanks for thinking of me
from a 248 phone number, Wednesday, November 12, 10:19 AM

Come on. You didn't really want to go to the opera, did you. I can tell. If you really wanted to go to the opera, you would buckle down tonight and tomorrow night and Friday night and get your homework done THEN. It's okay; you're allowed not to embrace high culture.

ANSWER BACK BITCH
from a 508 phone number, Tuesday, November 11, 4:22 AM

I'm actually surprised this isn't from my best friend Alli. Well, actually, Alli is never awake at 4:22 AM. But she would totally say this to me. I wonder if this Intended Leila has a best friend just like my best friend Alli? I wonder if they are leading parallel lives to us?

So all good where will you sleep tonight lets talk tomorrow i am tired good night
from a 510 phone number, Monday, November 10, 12:41 AM

510 has still not learned to punctuate. As reader Ali pointed out, "Never underestimate the important of punctuation."

FWD: FWD:FWD: Fwd:Alert* Statue of liberty is coming down today! Aunt Jamima going up in her place holding a chicken leg.....
from a 562 phone number, Saturday, November 8, 11:35 PM

In the week since Barack Obama was elected President, I have received a number of racist text messages. More than I've ever received on any one topic, in fact. This one is not the worst of them. I'm actually not posting the worst ones because, while I think documenting every text I receive is valuable for providing a complete picture of what people say to their Leilas, I worry that readers will misunderstand and think that I'm condoning the ideas that I post. You have to remember that I post texts to this blog not because I think they're funny or admirable or (in this instance) despicable, but simply because they are what I receive. I've never before left text off my blog because I disagree with them-- I try to be a somewhat unbiased transcriber in that way-- but, frankly, some messages just don't deserve to be repeated.

carlson have you evered added a banana to brownie mix and if so did you like it?
PatTackleson
from an 865 phone number, Saturday, November 8, 10:18 PM

This sounds like an amazing recipe. I don't use brownie mixes, but maybe I should add a banana to my batter the next time I bake brownies? Have any of you readers ever tried this? What did you think? Maybe I should turn TheLeilaTexts into a recipe blog inseatd of a text message blog.