Dear Leila Texters,

Listen, don't panic, but I am going to be out of the country for the next two weeks. This means no access to my cell phone, which means no new Leila Texts until the new year.

I know it is hard. But I think you will pull through. There are 2,800 posts in the Leila Texts archives, and that ought to keep you busy. If you find that's just not enough and you need even more reading material, you can always read one of my novels: Past Perfect or Mostly Good Girls.

While I'm gone, feel free to post your estimates of how many text messages my cell phone will register when I touch down back in America after fourteen days away. I'm guessing 60. And I'm guessing that at least 20% of them will be about Christmas.

Happy holidays!
Leila

Absolutely not. Not under any circumstances. Love you.
from a 484 phone number, Sunday, December 4, 9:05 PM EST

That is exactly how I respond whenever someone tries to get me to eat white chocolate.

Hi Mike having rough time with pain and fever. I am trying to get jack ride w someone from team so I can go bback to hosp. Ill call u in little while
from a 508 phone number, Saturday, December 10, 8:09 AM EST

This sounds very rough. I hope that Mike is feeling better now, and that 508 found someone to help look after Jake so she can spend more time at Mike's bedside. Maybe Leila was able to help out. I hope so.

hey leila can you work today from early until 3. we need to get stuff prepped so will need kayla in the back. can you work the front
from an 813 phone number, Tuesday, December 13, 9:31 AM EST

I know some people don't like working retail during the holiday season because it's so crazy and people are so demanding, but, I don't know, when I used to do it, I way preferred it to the rest of the year. If I'm going to be standing behind a cash register for six hours straight, I might as well be actually ringing some people up.

Im wrapping up at hale nani so will b into office in next half hour
from an 808 phone number, Wednesday, December 14, 6:31 PM EST

Hale Nani is a rehabilitation and nursing clinic in Hawaii, which makes sense, since 808 is the Hawaii area code. I hope whomever Leila was visiting is doing okay.

FWD: What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
from a 727 phone number, Thursday, December 15, 10:14 AM EST

"'Tis the season to be jelly."

(I don't know, I googled it. I think it's a Christmas thing.)

Hey momas goin 2 take us 2 school in the mornin
from a 256 phone number, Thursday, December 15, 9:33 PM EST

Based on 256's spelling, I would say that's a first.

Have to meet u at 8 at starbucks ... 4got i have a 9 30 commitment ... See u at the forbes & shady stbks at 8.
from a 412 phone number, Friday, December 16, 6:58 PM EST

This Starbucks is in Squirrel Hill, Pittsburgh. If I were in Pittsburgh tonight, I totally could have shown up here at 8pm and met some Leila Texters IN PERSON. Alas, I don't live in Pittsburgh. So much for that dream.

Hi sorry i missed ur call i was talking to my dad oh and for thursday homework its 4.2 # 11-27 odd and # 47- 49 al
from a 408 phone number, Thursday, December 8, 11:49 PM EST

I love stealing lets steal phones,wallets,money,id cards,perfume, and jewerly
from a 408 phone number, Friday, November 9, 5:57 PM EST

How lucky to have a close friend such as Leila whom you can share your hobbies with. Stealing perfume alone is so lonely.

do u have ideas of what i can get your kids for xmas ?
from a 610 phone number, Saturday, December 10, 12:15 PM EST

Of course. Get them my books! Unless Leila's kids are under the age of 12. In which case, probably not a good idea.

Hey did u want Jake and Steven to have each other for the family secret Santa
from a 989 phone number, Friday, December 9, 11:18 AM EST

Are we still discussing this?

Hey I still have not heard back from her but I asked Reagan if Madison was at school today and she said yes. I asked if she got there late and she said
from a 770 phone number, Thursday, December 8, 9:20 PM EST

Yes to that too and that Madison said she only got two hours of sleep lastnight so I guess he was there and they were fighting. Reagan said she didn't
from a 770 phone number, Thursday, December 8, 9:21 PM EST

Say anything else.
from a 770 phone number, Thursday, December 8, 9:22 PM EST

Remind me never to trust Reagan with a secret.

Hi there. Having fun with your company? We are having fun with Ardis. Ardis wants to put you as a friend on facebook. But cant find you. How do you spell
from a 425 phone number, Friday, December 9, 2:15 PM EST

It's spelled L-E-I-L-A.

idc that dominic doesnt even like me at all cause i didint like him in the 1st place anyway i only agreed 2 go out with him cause lindsay wanted me 2
from a 330 phone number, Saturday, December 10, 2:33 PM EST

i was an idoit 2 believe him when he said he liked me as a gf
from a 330 phone number, Saturday, December 10, 2:35 PM EST

we need 2 hang out soonn
from a 330 phone number, Sunday, December 11, 5:15 PM EST

The best part here-- and there are quite a few excellent parts-- is how somehow this all winds up being Lindsay's fault. Fuck you, Lindsay!

I totally just killed at Space Invaders. And I bought you a puppy.
from a 517 phone number, Sunday, December 11, 1:28 AM EST

A lot of shit goes down when you leave a seventeen-year-old boy home alone.

What did mendel do that helped prove the variations in generations resulted from his experiments with plants? Can you help me with this question
from an 850 phone number, Sunday, December 11, 11:20 AM EST

Honey, if you're going to cheat on your bio homework, Wikipedia is as reliable as texting your friend Leila. No need to make this more complicated than it has to be.

P.S. Lamarck was wrong!

Doug bronstein says hello
from a 301 phone number, Sunday, December 11, 8:15 PM EST

Did you get my text?
from a 301 phone number, Monday, December 12, 11:24 AM EST

Yeah, I did, clearly. I just didn't respond because I didn't have anything to say. Like... good for Doug Bronstein?

Hi i have my flat screen tv hanging up!
from a 541 phone number, Sunday, December 11, 10:50 PM EST

How did you accomplish that?! Did you hire someone? Or did you use like a screwdriver or something? I can't even hang up a goddamn framed photograph, never mind a flat-screen TV (which, btw, if it fell on you, could kill you).

Yeah but she had to get her citizenship there
from a 347 phone number, Monday, December 12, 3:15 PM EST

Right. Leila, you can't just pick up and move to France and expect to get a job there. I don't care is Jeanine did it. She had to get her citizenship there.

...Maybe.

This isn't real
from a 646 phone number, Monday, December 12, 4:57 PM EST

What, that I get text messages from strangers? 646, I assure you: it is real.