And just like this, another middle-school romance collapses.

Sure I'll help color your hair. I'll help color it LIKE THIS:

Came home from a week out of the country to this text message. Sure thing, guy.

Portion control is great and all, but counting pieces of pasta is taking dieting to the next level.

This series of texts makes me feel pretty darn bad for Eric's parents.

Happy Belmont Stakes day! Whom are YOU betting on?

I had Grand Jury duty two years ago. I saw a LOT of ADAs an heard about a LOT of robberies. Grand Jury is alternately incredibly boring and incredibly depressing, and it's hard to say which part is worse.

Actually, I just don't want to talk to her anymore. But I didn't have the heart to tell her that.

What book are Leila and 315 reading?

Options:

50 Shades of Grey
Bridge to Terebithia

So where do we think Leila works that's fast at night but not during the day? I keep coming back to "24-hour strip club," but that may just be the optimist in me.

908 leads an extremely healthy lifestyle.

It's St. Mary's Assyrian Church, actually. In Tarzana, California. But what are they voting on? That's the real question. Also, have any of you ever actually been to Tarzana, California?

Murrieta Valley is a school district in California. If their website is to be believed, the school Leila's playing is going to be hard to beat. Their website also notes that they are good at spelling bees.

Gonna go out on a limb here and say that Leila sounds like a bit of a fuckup.

To all of you who are in your last days of school: hooray! What are your summer plans?

Trick question: it's tie dye! Therefore it is all the colors of the rainbow.

"You guys will probably have a lot in common. You know, because you all have spouses."

Here's a hint: her phone number starts with "971."

Th joke is, he's not actually a captain. He's actually a first lieutenant.

Aww this is sweet. I really should have helped this person find a just-right birthday gift for Mona.