Friday, August 29, 2008

I'm sending a text to D and L, I just wanted to let you both know I have gas.
from a 202 phone number, Friday, August 29, 2:49 PM

"L" is Leila, obviously. Not sure who "D" is. It says something about present-day society that having gas is now a noteworthy event, equivalent to saying, "FYI, I just spent $60. Hope someone else is picking up the tab for dinner."
FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: Drinking non alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin..sure it taste the same but its just wrong. Keep it going!
from a 702 phone number, Thursday, August 28, 11:47 PM

This reminds me of one of my favorite ever New York Times editorials about analogies. Sure, drinking non-alcoholic beer is similar to going down on your cousin in some regards; for example, both are "just wrong." But the analogy doesn't really stand because drinking non-alcoholic is different from going down on your cousin in some significant regards; for example, one of those actions is cause for incarceration and/or birth defects, while the other is cause for being able to drive home without crashing your car. Do you know which is which?
We are fine mom
from a 440 phone number, Thursday, August 28, 11:15 PM

God, Mom, stop being such a worry-wart!
sorry I have not been in touch. I have a lot on my plate.
from a 301 phone number, Thursday, August 28, 5:15 PM

This should be like my default text that just automatically sends itself out to everyone in my address book every three weeks. Except for how usually I haven't been in touch, not because "I have a lot on my plate," but simply because "I am lazy."
Hey La, I'm officially dumped. I'll be here licking my emotional wounds.
from a 503 phone number, Thursday, August 28, 1:04 AM

Aw, sad! Sadder still, perhaps, that Leila (Or "La," as she is called) couldn't call up 503 to comfort her since she didn't receive this text. I momentarily considered calling up 503 and comforting her myself ("He wasn't good enough for you!") but it was 1:04 AM on a Wednesday night, so instead I just fell asleep.
Fwd: From: Msg: Fwd:: U OPENED THS YOU WiLL GET AN UNEXPECTED LONG KISS ON friday BUT iF U DONT SEND 2 8PPL U Will lose the person falling i
from a 719 phone number, Wednesday, August 27, 8:20 PM

It amazes me that people believe this text enough to forward it, even though it follows random, reprehensible rules of punctuation, and even though its threat gets cut off. ("U Will lose the person falling i..." Go on.) I suppose one can never be too careful with one's love life.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

FWD: FWD: Fwd:Fwd:I Love You...U got 5min 2 tell 15 frendz u love em (includin me) or da 1fallin 4 u will 4get u. >The Bond Between Us Cant Be Broken<
from a 406 phone number, Monday, August 25, 11:28 PM

What if you're asleep when you receive this text? At 11:28 PM, Leila might have been asleep. Even if she weren't, by 11:33, when she would have presumably forwarded this to 15 friends, some of THEM might be asleep. At some point, someone is going to receive this text message well after their five minutes are up. It doesn't seem fair that da 1fallin 4 them should forget them, just because they were so unlucky as to have been asleep!
Do u mean newsweek?
from an 814 phone number, Monday, August 25, 9:50 AM

Instead of... what? Newsday? Those two periodicals do have awfully similar names. Why is there no Newsmonth?
Phone never rang! Dont know of any inexpensive upholstery place
from a 201 phone number, Sunday, August 24, 10:57 PM

I don't know of any inexpensive upholstery place, either. What would I do with information like that, even if I had it? That is such a homeowner question.
Fwd:Fwd : FWD: HAPPY LAST DAY OF SUMMER!!! Tell evryone happy last day of summer if u dont u will have the worst 1st day eva!
*%'MZ.DEE'%*

from a 719 phone number, Sunday, August 24, 3:44 PM

Obviously yesterday was this poor kid's first day back at school. I feel bad for people who have to go back to school before Labor Day. It seems to rob them of their full summer. That said, *%'MZ.DEE'% does seem like she could benefit from a little education.
dear leila would u write a paregraph or 2 about how to train volunteers 4 bookmobile 2 do story time. i give u double time since its weekend. if u email
from an 818 phone number, Saturday, August 23, 9:48 PM

it to me tomrrow even late nite its fine. if u cant do it thats fine too. im in pasadena all day mon. no access to email. iwill check email late sun. tnx :)
from an 818 phone number, Saturday, August 23, 9:51 PM

For double time, hell, I would write a paragraph or two about how to train volunteers to do story time on the bookmobile. I don't actually know how to do this, but for double time pay, I could figure it out.