Saturday, March 15, 2008

from a 339 phone number, Saturday, March 15, 11:52 AM

Obviously, Leila is a kidnapper, and 399 is her co-conspirator, inquiring into the status of their charge. "THE HEN" is the code name for the kidnapped child. HAT, BRIEFCASE, BOXCAR, and CHAIR are code names for other people in on this kidnapping ring.

Since Leila did not receive this text, and was thus unable to verify the safety of THE HEN, everyone else has gone into Crisis Management Mode, enacting a dangerous Contingency Plan that they had sworn never to try except in the extreme instance that Leila not text them back.

(I don't know if you've ever considered this, but it's exhausting to sit here and make this stuff up all the time.)
whhere r u how r u i miss u by!
from a 917 phone number, Satuerday, March 15, 10:53 AM

This text brilliantly, and with minimal punctuation, manages to combine some of the most commonly texted statements. Namely:

Where are you?
How are you?
I miss you.

If only there were a "FWD" in here, then this would really be a classic example of what text messages look like.
im chillin at the airport drinkin a jack and coke
from a 571 phone number, Friday, March 14, 8:35 AM

im 36000 feet in the air
from a 571 phone number, Friday, March 14, 11:55 AM

what u doing?
from a 571 phone number, Friday, March 14, 1:34 PM

i forgot my charger so ima have to keep my phone off unless i call u to conserve energy
from a 571 phone number, Friday, March 14, 1:38 PM

I love this hour-by-hour recounting of 571's plane trip. I wonder how many more texts 571 would have sent, had he not forgotten his phone charger. This was four spread over the course of five hours. If this was an overnight trip, I feel like I could have gotten at least twenty.

God, I hate it when I forget to pack my phone charger, don't you?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Hi dis is michelle. r u verison does it mean i can text u free
from an 805 phone number, Thursday, March 13, 7:48 PM

Hi, Michelle. Yes, I am Verizon. Yes, I assume that means you can text me for free. However, I don't really think you want to.
FWD: FWD: In 2009 the government will start killing all mentally challenged people. I started crying when i thought of you. Run Little buddy!
from a 614 phone number, Thursday, March 13, 5:01 PM

Remember a few weeks ago when I was commenting that I receive very few political texts, and that I have no sense of what political parties Leila Texters tend to belong to, or which social issues they care about? Well, this text... doesn't change that at all.
-Soccer Rox-

from a 615 phone number, Thursday, March 13, 4:20 PM

Chill the fuck out there, Soccer Rox. Okay, you like pie, I like pie, who doesn't like pie? But seriously keep your pants on. It's just pie. It's not like it's COOOOOOOOOOOKIES or anything.
FWD: I luv u. U have 20 min 2 tell 10 ppl u luv them, (including me) or 2mrw will be the worst day! I LUV U, GO!
from an 818 phone number, Thursday, March 13, 11:58 AM

I didn't forward this on to ten people, so I'll report back to let you know if tomorrow ends up being the worst day. I hope it doesn't, since I really can't afford to have the worst day tomorrow. Especially not if I'm going off to Williamsburg in the evening to stalk people at their 30th birthday parties.
Boomers tomorrow night for swing?
from a 970 phone number, Wednesday, March 12, 6:06 PM

I googled various combinations like "boomers swing dancing" and "boomers colorado dance club," but all that came up was a bunch of stuff about Baby Boomers, and how they love to dance. (Which is true: my parents are Boomers, and they DO love to dance.)

So I don't know, 970, are you sure "Boomers" is a real place? Or maybe it's one of her friend's names. Maybe her friend Boomer runs a Thursday night swing dance party in his house in Colorado. We can only hope.
Fuck u
from a 617 phone number, Wednesday, March 12, 5:03 PM

Okay, WHOA, hostil-i-ty! That's not how we roll in the 617 area code, dude. Chill out.
hi do u have dorians # ask tascha
from a 917 phone number, Wednesday, March 12, 3:13 PM

Really? Well, that's a novel idea, 917 girl. I didn't know you ever needed people's numbers. I thought you just typed in their names and hoped for the best. No? That doesn't work?
Howdy! This week im turning 30, so Friday night its on. Dinner @ Fette Sau@ 8pm, drinks @ spuyten duyvil @ 930, parts unknown later on. Rsvp for dinner only.
from a 323 phone number, Tuesday, March 11, 5:21 PM

OMG these places are in Brooklyn! I could totally ATTEND this guy's 30th birthday party! How amazing would that be, if I just showed up at this Williamsburg restaurant tomorrow night at 8 PM and was like, "What? You invited me. I have the text right here."

The intended Leila must also live in NYC. Do you think she could possibly be my DOPPELGANGER? If I show up for dinner and drinks, people will mistake me for her? Hilarity will ensue?

If only I knew 323's NAME! I can't just show up at Spuyten Duyvil tomorrow and say, "Hey. Is there a 30th birthday party happening around here?"

But I really, really want to.

Monday, March 10, 2008

O too much drama to text...want to walk later?
from an 865 phone number, Monday, March 10, 10:33 AM

Yes, totally I want to walk later. You used the word "drama," and my interest has been piqued. But unfortunately I don't live all the close to you, so please can't you text about the drama, anyway? I know it would take you a lot of key strokes, and I am sorry about that, but I would be a very receptive audience, I swear it.
from an 808 phone number, Monday, March 10, 12:02 AM

What. WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? You have the gift of LANGUAGE, the most precious gift OF ALL, and you choose to waste it on texts like this one? hi"??? Didn't your mother ever tell you: If you don't have anything interesting to say, don't say anything at all.
What's up?
from a 951 phone number, Sunday, March 9, 9:39 PM


Let's meet.
from a 951 phone number, Sunday, March 9, 9:42 PM

from a 508 phone number, Sunday, March 9, 7:34 PM

This creeps me out because these are my boss's initials, and I would not SAY HEY to my boss. At least, not in all caps. At least, I hope I wouldn't.
The clouds ha ha ha i win
from a 914 phone number, Sunday, March 9, 12:34 PM

Presumably 914 and Leila placed a bet. 914 bet on "the clouds," and won, obviously. But it makes me wonder what Leila bet on. "The sun"? "The airplane"?
Is that your bra up on the moose?
from an 860 phone number, Sunday, March 9, 12:06 AM

This probably involves sorority hazing.