Friday, May 16, 2008

Hey all. my mum called. she got my flight tix. i fly home in 2 weeks. muy triste
from a 650 phone number, Wednesday, May 14, 3:56 PM

Where is home? No, I don't mean like the Bloc Party song. I mean, seriously, what country are you from, 650? The "mum" implies Great Britain, but the "muy triste" is Spain through and through. Citizen of the world?
FWD: Summer 08' Sneaking Out,Making Out,Hanging Out & Passing Out. What Ever Happens Happens No Regrets! Send to ten people or have a bad summer
from a 612 phone number, Tuesday, May 13, 5:55 PM

Well, I definitely don't want to have a bad summer, and I'm down with all this... except for the "Sneaking Out," since I am an adult and you can't sneak out of your own apartment, and it's not like my roommate is going to be like, "Where are you going, young lady?" Also, if possible, I'd like to avoid the "Passing Out," because that is generally not considered a healthy thing. So I guess I'm not down with all of this. I guess I'm just down with half of this.
I just really feel helpless. How can I help him? It's the worst feeling...
from a 484 phone number, Monday, May 12, 9:53 PM

I wonder who he is, and what sort of help he needs that 484 is unable to provide. Maybe he's very ill. I hope not.
Hi hon you've lost your phone i load spokane tomorrow and be home for a little while need to go to the courthouse and file out that paper work.
from a 509 phone number, Monday, May 12, 6:12 PM

But wait. If Leila has lost her phone, then how is she supposed to receive this text message?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

FWD: If u love me u'll call as soon as possible, say i love u and then hang up! See how many callz u get.
from a 706 phone number, Sunday, May 11, 9:50 PM

The contrapositive of this statement is that if Leila DOESN'T call 706, then she doesn't love her. And of course, Leila didn't call 706, because she never received this text message. I wonder if, when they went into school the next day, 706 was like, "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" Maybe they don't take it as seriously as I do. Or maybe they don't know what the contrapositive is.
now i still hav 2 eat cake 2! uggggg
from a 763 phone number, Sunday, May 11, 3:10 PM

"Uggggg"? 763, get your head screwed on straight! Cake is amazing!
from a an 860 phone number, Sunday, May 11, 1:48 PM

verizon voyager here
from an 860 phone number, Sunday, May 11, 1:49 PM

I don't think that necessitated two texts. Really the concept would have come across just as clear in only one.
hello is it me your looking for i am more obsessed with you than iraqis are with lionel richie
from a 724 phone number, Saturday, May 10, 11:47 PM

Are Iraqis obsessed with Lional Richie? Or is this as significant as saying, "I'm as hip as George Bush, Sr," or, "I'm more obsessed with you than giraffes are with oragami"?

It's like, Tropicana orange juice used to advertise (perhaps still does?) that a glass of OJ contained "as much potassium as a banana." And I was always like, "I don't doubt that, but just how much potassium does a banana contain?"
hello yo what are you doing
from a 951 phone number, Friday, May 9, 10:01 PM

send me that ringtone that you recorded so that i could set as your ringtone for when you call me
from a 951 phone number, Friday, May 9, 11:43 PM

wat dress did you get
from a 951 phone number, Saturday, May 10, 6:07 PM

FWD: Its hard 2 find a friend who is 100% fun:) 100% talented:) 100% loving:) 100% sweet:) and 100% sexy:)
Thanks 4 beign my FRIEND.

from a 951 phone number, Sunday, May 11, 3:29 PM

house stinks
from a 951 phone number, Tuesday, May 13, 8:02 PM

Call me prudish, but I am not really okay with my girl friends telling me I am "100% sexy." 100% talented, great. 100% sexy crosses the line.

Also, this ringtone plan sounds very complicated, and Leila must have recorded one HELL of an awesome ringtone for it to be worth all that effort. My ringtone is set to be the same no matter who calls me. And that tone is "Ain't Never Been Cool," by Lucky Soul.

(AHEM Lucky Soul this would be a fantastic opportunity to SEND ME FREE THINGS as I am giving you FREE EXPOSURE here. THINK IT OVER.)
Sure can you come here
from an 865 phone number, Friday, May 9, 10:34 AM

No, lazy-ass. YOU can come HERE, though.
Hey le! Okay so i have been texting you and you would get it sometimes Idk but im at a cheerleading meeting right now so you cant call me
from an 828 phone number, Thursday, May 15, 4:46 PM

But yeah so im def "talking" to matt and aspen is not very happy about that but Idc.. i love you and i will call you in just a few! Oh and i did it! :)
from an 828 phone number, May 15, 5:51 PM

I would like to clarify that this 828 person is NOT the same as Jon from 828, since Jon helpfully identifies himself at the end of each text he sends. Also, Jon is presumably a boy, and this 828 really really like really seems to be a girl. I don't know if this 828 and Jon are texting the same Leila. That's the real mystery.

Anyway, as for this 828: I love that she says she's def "talking" to matt because, like, "def" means "definitely," whereas "'talking'" in quotes like that means "quote-unquote talking," i.e. "not really talking." So THAT'S confusing. I assume Matt is her ex or some guy she has a crush on, and Aspen is her current boyfriend. He must be, because otherwise where would he get off being all possessive?

Knowing effectively zero things about this situation, I would advise 828 to leave this Matt character well enough alone and show loyalty and devotion to her man Aspen. But I advise that mostly because there are a lot of Matts out there, whereas "Aspen" is a totally cool name.

from an 828 phone number, Thursday, May 8, 9:59 PM

i assume you are not coming over. Have a good might

from an 828 phone number, Friday, May 9, 12:06 AM

HaVe you found anyone to buy the garden center yet

from an 828 phone number, Thursday, May 15, 2:50 PM

Is it just me, or does Jon sound mighty miffed in that middle text message? I'm assuming the context there is that Leila had tentative plans to go over to his place, but then never called to confirm or deny these plans, and he has spent his Thursday night just sitting home alone, waiting for her to call, but she never did, and so now, at midnight, his evening wasted, he's texting her to guilt trip her.

Er, not that I have ever been in that position.

As for this "garden center" that is supposedly for sale, though... That is a position I have DEFINITELY never been in.
I have been out of town for the past week, and the upshot is that I have a LOT of new texts that I need to transcribe here. Like, my-inbox-is-full lot of texts. Let's get down to it.

Whats up? Text back
from a 646 phone number, Wednesday, May 7, 9:19 AM

Why r u not texting? wheres sabrina? And can i stay up late?
from a 646 phone number, Wednesday, May 7, 9:33 AM
from a 646 phone number, Wednesday, May 7, 9:39 AM

That's from this person, the one with the run-on words. Come on, what happened to your personal writing style, 646? Did the school system beat it out of you? They do that sometimes.

At least the questions "Can I stay up late?" confirms my suspicions that 646 is A CHILD who is simply too young to understand the purpose of spaces between words.