Saturday, December 31, 2011

Are you able to see a new case today, trying to get my sister to switch to you!
from a 503 phone number, Wednesday, December 28, 2:15 PM EST

Also my sister can't work cuz of the pain, can you help with a letter to insurance company.
from a 503 phone number, Thursday, December 29, 2:46 PM EST

Is it considered rude to text your lawyer? I text lawyers a lot, but they are all like one year out of law school and my friends. My text messages to them usually say things like, "Yo let's get some ice cream," not, "Can you help with a letter to insurance company?"
Tell call dad if she stll dare
from a 909 phone number, Thursday, December 29, 1:13 PM EST

"Truth or dare?"
"Dare."
"Okay. I dare you to call dad."
"[Gulp.]"
I think i found u a photographer
from a 702 phone number, Wednesday, December 28, 2:36 PM EST

I hope the photographer they found is this chick. I love her work! I don't know what sort of use she would be to Leila, but still.
Steve wants to just order pizza.
from a 719 phone number, Tuesday, December 27, 11:53 AM EST

He feels bad that we are alwways cooking.
from a 719 phone number, Tuesday, December 27, 12:13 PM EST

Steve: clearly a feminist. "A woman's place is not in the kitchen. A woman's place is on the phone with the pizza parlor!"
Hey mom make it home safe?love uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu soooooooo mmmmmmuuuuuucccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhh
from a 513 phone number, Sunday, December 25, 5:48 PM EST

513 abides by a standard rule in correspondence: if you can't think of how to make it clear that you really love someone, either make the words bigger (I LOVE YOU), or in ital (I love you), or in different colors (no idea how to do that on blogger), or really long (see above). That way everyone will understand how seriously you take your love.
Im in victoria secret where r u?
from a 919 phone number, Monday, December 26, 10:59 AM EST

Sexxxy.



Oh, sorry. Should I have said "nsfw" first?
Hi im at pump it up
from a 631 phone number, Monday, December 26, 12:23 PM EST

Pump It Up-- the inflatable party zone! Okay, yes. New New Years Eve plans: we are going to Pump It Up in New Jersey.
So u bailing early to come here? Lol
from a 203 phone number, Sunday, December 25, 2:45 PM EST

So apparently newtown wasn't THAT bad ystdy haha
from a 203 phone number, Monday, December 26, 2:58 PM EST

Sometimes Christmas isn't all that we want it to be. This is true with many things, but especially with holidays. When you're like, "How much longer do I have to stay in this small house with a million people, watching Harry Potter #1 and drinking non-spiked eggnog because Aunt Marie is 'on the wagon'?"
Bridal expo is Saturday Jan 7th...want to go? Its 10am to 5pm
from a 614 phone number, Sunday, December 25, 1:05 PM EST

Totally! I love a good expo. I hope they have examples of different types of napkins.
Can tell Mike to let da kids stay with him cuz Kai n ki are here sick. I no like dem catch its other sick. I can drop dem taico n pk up Try.
from an 808 phone number, Thursday, December 29, 5:16 PM EST

Simply: 808 wants Leila to tell Mike to let the kids stay with him so they won't get sick. I get that part. The part I don't get is: does 808 actually know people named Kai, Ki, and Try?
abdi congrtulation we are so very happy for you
from a 703 phone number, Thursday, December 29, 5:44 PM EST

Did Leila Abdi have a baby? Or graduate? Or did she get electedstudent body president?!
HOW WAS THE SOUP
from a 262 phone number, Thursday, December 29, 7:37 PM EST

Soup is always awesome!
LookAtThis
abcdefg
mommys gonna play with me
hijklmno
im gonna get down low
pqrstuv
im gonna go get a lee
wxy and z
im gonna get on my knee

from a 631 phone number, Thursday, December 29, 9:01 PM EST

Wow! I am looking at this, as you suggested, and it is incredible. What inspired you to write such a poem, 631?
On the bus do u need groceries i can stop off for them if u do
from a 917 phone number, Friday, December 30, 1:28 PM EST

I do! I need more Cheerios. I'll wait here for you to bring them over. THANKS!
Drugs and alchol are rotting your brain and eating your soul.
from a 774 phone number, Friday, December 30, 2:02 PM EST

Possibly true. Kind of depends on how much drugs and alcohol Leila is doing, and how often. Good sentiment, 774, but needs more reasoned analysis.
Looking for levis
from a 610 phone number, Friday, December 30, 6:27 PM EST

Oh my lord, it is so hard to find jeans that fit, you know? I am exhausted just thinking about it.
My wallet was in the other purse.
from a 602 phone number, Friday, December 30, 10:51 PM EST

Trust me, better that than losing it entirely.
Remember when we always used to "simba" our text tubes in 8th grade? good times!!!
misss you <3

from a 781 phone number, Friday, December 30, 11:55 PM EST

I would love to know what it means to "simba" a test tube. Does it mean you make it fall in love with another test tube named Nala? Does it mean that your test tube "just can't wait to be king"?
I love you
from a 704 phone number, Saturday, December 31, 6:07 AM EST

It would have been really sweet, had Leila received this message.
Hey
tReVoR+mEgAn=4EvEr <3

from a 419 phone number, Friday, December 30, 6:11 PM EST

Hey hey hey
tReVoR+mEgAn=4EvEr <3

from a 419 phone number, Saturday, December 31, 6:08 AM EST

What are you doing?
tReVoR+mEgAn=4EvEr <3

from a 419 phone number, Saturday, December 31, 7:33 AM EST

Even though I assume these texts are from Megan, it would be a whole lot more interesting if they were from Trevor.
Meet me at da school on d field
JLK<3

from an 808 phone number, Saturday, December 17, 2:14 AM EST

Do you wrily like me
JLK<3

from an 808 phone number, Saturday, December 17, 2:20 AM EST

Yeah, JLK. I wrily like you. I want to marry you and have a million babies with you.
The correct answer is 42. That is how many Leila Texts I received during my two weeks abroad. In the grand scheme of things, that's not actually too many. Let's see what people have been talking about since December 16, shall we?

hi its kori merry christmas
from a 704 phone number, Sunday, December 25, 8:30 AM EST

Merry Christmas!!
from an 803 phone number, Sunday, December 25, 8:44 AM EST

Feliz Nata! OBRIGADA por existir na minha vida!!Agradeco sempre a Deus por isso. amo todas vcs. Bjos saudades.
from a 973 phone number, Sunday, December 25, 5:54 PM EST

Hope ur christmas was happy. I miss you. Wish u were here. Glad u liked ur present.
from a 616 phone number, Sunday, December 25, 6:56 PM EST

Im so tired from Christmas wrapping im lucky to keep my eyes open tonight... My eyes are totally f*cking easchother ha ha ha
from a 973 phone number, Sunday, December 25, 10:27 PM EST

Merry christmas how was your day? love you and all your men! amg
from a 508 phone number, Monday, December 26, 8:41 AM EST

"Love to you and all your men" is my new favorite holiday greeting. Anyway, merry belated Christmas wishes!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Dear Leila Texters,

Listen, don't panic, but I am going to be out of the country for the next two weeks. This means no access to my cell phone, which means no new Leila Texts until the new year.

I know it is hard. But I think you will pull through. There are 2,800 posts in the Leila Texts archives, and that ought to keep you busy. If you find that's just not enough and you need even more reading material, you can always read one of my novels: Past Perfect or Mostly Good Girls.

While I'm gone, feel free to post your estimates of how many text messages my cell phone will register when I touch down back in America after fourteen days away. I'm guessing 60. And I'm guessing that at least 20% of them will be about Christmas.

Happy holidays!
Leila
Absolutely not. Not under any circumstances. Love you.
from a 484 phone number, Sunday, December 4, 9:05 PM EST

That is exactly how I respond whenever someone tries to get me to eat white chocolate.
Hi Mike having rough time with pain and fever. I am trying to get jack ride w someone from team so I can go bback to hosp. Ill call u in little while
from a 508 phone number, Saturday, December 10, 8:09 AM EST

This sounds very rough. I hope that Mike is feeling better now, and that 508 found someone to help look after Jake so she can spend more time at Mike's bedside. Maybe Leila was able to help out. I hope so.
hey leila can you work today from early until 3. we need to get stuff prepped so will need kayla in the back. can you work the front
from an 813 phone number, Tuesday, December 13, 9:31 AM EST

I know some people don't like working retail during the holiday season because it's so crazy and people are so demanding, but, I don't know, when I used to do it, I way preferred it to the rest of the year. If I'm going to be standing behind a cash register for six hours straight, I might as well be actually ringing some people up.
Im wrapping up at hale nani so will b into office in next half hour
from an 808 phone number, Wednesday, December 14, 6:31 PM EST

Hale Nani is a rehabilitation and nursing clinic in Hawaii, which makes sense, since 808 is the Hawaii area code. I hope whomever Leila was visiting is doing okay.
FWD: What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
from a 727 phone number, Thursday, December 15, 10:14 AM EST

"'Tis the season to be jelly."

(I don't know, I googled it. I think it's a Christmas thing.)
Hey momas goin 2 take us 2 school in the mornin
from a 256 phone number, Thursday, December 15, 9:33 PM EST

Based on 256's spelling, I would say that's a first.
Have to meet u at 8 at starbucks ... 4got i have a 9 30 commitment ... See u at the forbes & shady stbks at 8.
from a 412 phone number, Friday, December 16, 6:58 PM EST

This Starbucks is in Squirrel Hill, Pittsburgh. If I were in Pittsburgh tonight, I totally could have shown up here at 8pm and met some Leila Texters IN PERSON. Alas, I don't live in Pittsburgh. So much for that dream.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Hi sorry i missed ur call i was talking to my dad oh and for thursday homework its 4.2 # 11-27 odd and # 47- 49 al
from a 408 phone number, Thursday, December 8, 11:49 PM EST

I love stealing lets steal phones,wallets,money,id cards,perfume, and jewerly
from a 408 phone number, Friday, November 9, 5:57 PM EST

How lucky to have a close friend such as Leila whom you can share your hobbies with. Stealing perfume alone is so lonely.
do u have ideas of what i can get your kids for xmas ?
from a 610 phone number, Saturday, December 10, 12:15 PM EST

Of course. Get them my books! Unless Leila's kids are under the age of 12. In which case, probably not a good idea.
Hey did u want Jake and Steven to have each other for the family secret Santa
from a 989 phone number, Friday, December 9, 11:18 AM EST

Are we still discussing this?
Hey I still have not heard back from her but I asked Reagan if Madison was at school today and she said yes. I asked if she got there late and she said
from a 770 phone number, Thursday, December 8, 9:20 PM EST

Yes to that too and that Madison said she only got two hours of sleep lastnight so I guess he was there and they were fighting. Reagan said she didn't
from a 770 phone number, Thursday, December 8, 9:21 PM EST

Say anything else.
from a 770 phone number, Thursday, December 8, 9:22 PM EST

Remind me never to trust Reagan with a secret.
Hi there. Having fun with your company? We are having fun with Ardis. Ardis wants to put you as a friend on facebook. But cant find you. How do you spell
from a 425 phone number, Friday, December 9, 2:15 PM EST

It's spelled L-E-I-L-A.
idc that dominic doesnt even like me at all cause i didint like him in the 1st place anyway i only agreed 2 go out with him cause lindsay wanted me 2
from a 330 phone number, Saturday, December 10, 2:33 PM EST

i was an idoit 2 believe him when he said he liked me as a gf
from a 330 phone number, Saturday, December 10, 2:35 PM EST

we need 2 hang out soonn
from a 330 phone number, Sunday, December 11, 5:15 PM EST

The best part here-- and there are quite a few excellent parts-- is how somehow this all winds up being Lindsay's fault. Fuck you, Lindsay!
I totally just killed at Space Invaders. And I bought you a puppy.
from a 517 phone number, Sunday, December 11, 1:28 AM EST

A lot of shit goes down when you leave a seventeen-year-old boy home alone.
What did mendel do that helped prove the variations in generations resulted from his experiments with plants? Can you help me with this question
from an 850 phone number, Sunday, December 11, 11:20 AM EST

Honey, if you're going to cheat on your bio homework, Wikipedia is as reliable as texting your friend Leila. No need to make this more complicated than it has to be.

P.S. Lamarck was wrong!
Doug bronstein says hello
from a 301 phone number, Sunday, December 11, 8:15 PM EST

Did you get my text?
from a 301 phone number, Monday, December 12, 11:24 AM EST

Yeah, I did, clearly. I just didn't respond because I didn't have anything to say. Like... good for Doug Bronstein?
Hi i have my flat screen tv hanging up!
from a 541 phone number, Sunday, December 11, 10:50 PM EST

How did you accomplish that?! Did you hire someone? Or did you use like a screwdriver or something? I can't even hang up a goddamn framed photograph, never mind a flat-screen TV (which, btw, if it fell on you, could kill you).
Yeah but she had to get her citizenship there
from a 347 phone number, Monday, December 12, 3:15 PM EST

Right. Leila, you can't just pick up and move to France and expect to get a job there. I don't care is Jeanine did it. She had to get her citizenship there.

...Maybe.
This isn't real
from a 646 phone number, Monday, December 12, 4:57 PM EST

What, that I get text messages from strangers? 646, I assure you: it is real.
One of u call mepls ~ i need u to do something for dinner :)
I <3 my family!

from a 412 phone number, Thursday, December 8, 3:04 PM EST

Btw ~ we r gonna need quarters for prkg in southside. pls find some. luke ~ is nick coming to r house or r we picking up?
I <3 my family!

from a 412 phone number, Tuesday, December 13, 3:22 PM EST

I'd say about half the time when 412 texts Leila, it is about dinner. Which is a lot, but I guess better than those people who text Leila 100% of the time about Justine Bieber.
Hey have you emailed our project
Proud Sailor's Girlfriend

from a 316 phone number, Wednesday, December 7, 7:46 PM EST

Is this an acceptable sig line for all girlfriends? "Proud Barista's Girlfriend"? "Proud Accountant's girlfriend"? "Proud Production Assistant's Girlfriend"?
Where you going to send arline a christmas card? i really dont want to but if you do then i should as well.
from a 203 phone number, Wednesday, December 7, 6:45 PM EST

Hahaha Arline's such a bitch, isn't she?
Still planning on the drafting room tonight?
from a 484 phone number, Wednesday, December 7, 12:59 PM EST

It's a taproom and grille. And they serve chocolate chip challah french toast. So, yeah. Why not. Let's go.
acho q vou tomar cafe no cafe haleiwa quer vim?
from an 808 phone number, Tuesday, December 6, 1:39 PM EST

Something about drinking coffee, or not drinking coffee. Anyone?
You ready to party? ********
from a 281 phone number, Monday, December 5, 11:43 PM EST

ALWAYS. Especially on a Monday night.
philipp Twas the nite b4 xmas and all throu the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
from a 917 phone number, Monday, December 5, 6:05 PM EST

It's still a couple weeks b4 xmas, actually. But close.
Did u pass? Lol. It was soo hard!
from a 330 phone number, Monday, December 5, 12:39 PM EST

Ugh, I know. I h8 the SATs.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Go straight home
plumer is coming .

from a 347 phone number, Wednesday, December 7, 12:13 PM EST

cant talk
from a 347 phone number, Wednesday, December 7, 1:46 PM EST

R u home ?
from a 347 phone number, Wednesday, December 7, 1:55 PM EST

hello
from a 347 phone number, Wednesday, December 7, 2:05 PM EST

Maybe I haven't responded to you because you haven't said anything interesting, did that ever occur to you? Maybe I don't want to let in the goddamn plumber. Maybe I have other, more important stuff to do. Yeah.
Will someone pls plug in the xmas lights?
I <3 my family!

from a 412 phone number, Tuesday, December 6, 4:20 PM EST

For some reason, 412's family seems like the sort of family that gets really into the holiday season.
What is the name of my procedure
from a 516 phone number, Monday, December 5, 11:10 AM EST

A keratin treatment.
Never minf wat i said before i dont like like u
from a 917 phone number, Wednesday, December 7, 4:39 PM EST

I dont like like u never mind i like someone else
from a 917 phone number, Wednesday, December 7, 4:47 PM EST

After Leila ignored his 20 text messages and indicated that she did not really care for the new Justin Bieber single, 917 fell out of love with her. Frankly, I don't blame him.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Did you get the new house??
from a 713 phone number, Thursday, December 1, 8:02 PM EST

Much like leaf blowing, buying a new house fills me with anxiety about being an adult. You have to get it inspected. And stuff. You need a mortgage, probably. If I were Leila (which I am), I would just give up now.
At the nicoulicci's im stayin there while my moms gone
from a 443 phone number, Wednesday, November 30, 4:00 PM EST

Translation for aspiring robbers: 443's house is empty. You'll have no luck kidnapping 443 and holding her for ransom, since she is safely at the Nicouliccis'. But her xbox is up for grabs.
I love you. :) Im never letting this end. Ever. Don't worry about him. I'll always be there. I promise. :)
from a 720 phone number, Friday, December 2, 1:04 AM EST

If by "him," 720 means "Leila's husband," then this suddenly takes on a weird air.
hahahahahahahaaha i txt u
I_<3_Yuki_Sohma

from a 605 phone number, Friday, December 2, 9:23 AM EST

Yuki Sohma is a fictional character from the anime and manga series Fruits Basket by Natsuki Takaya.



I agree with 605. How could you not heart a punim like that?
Hi. Im taking care of your paycheck now.how about I let you know how many hours to add. Is that ok? If you have another idea im open
from a 609 phone number, Friday, December 2, 1:29 PM EST

Add fifty hours. Overtime pay! Let's cheat the system!
I deeply felt a sensation in da meep mer der nup. Poop
from a 952 phone number, Friday, December 2, 2:45 PM EST

For some reason I am finding it hard to empathize with 952's deeply felt sensation. Is it because I am heartless?
Uncle larry says call him tomorrow 713859xxxx. he will gladly talk to you he says if ur allowed a lawyer cousin kevin can fly up:)
from a 516 phone number, Friday, December 2, 5:05 PM EST

Smiley face, indeed! I love any opportunity to see Cousin Kevin, even if it's because I have been accused of a crime and need free legal defense.
Fyi. Tempe festival of arts of this weekend. Beer festival too.
from a 623 phone number, Friday, December 2, 5:39 PM EST

Apparently the Tempe Festival of the Arts "consistently ranks among the Top 200 art festivals in the nation." I'm going to assume that there are more than 200 art festivals in the nation, which means this is some pretty impressive shit. I would like to attend, personally-- I am terrible at making art, but quite excellent at spending money.
Happy roda!
pls let me know yes or no about leaf blowing
i'm bringing c to & from a playdate tomorrow & to Dan's at 6. Leafblowing in between oxm

from a 978 phone number, Friday, December 2, 9:29 PM EST

This text message has filled me with stress about being a homeowner and a parent. I never bring anyone to a playdate, and leaf blowing could not be farther from my mind. If I wanted to blow some leaves, I don't even know where I would begin.
Hey Leila i kno this is really last minute but we r lookin for a sitter from 7-11 tonight. Let me kno if ur free
from a 563 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 5:33 PM EST

That really depends on how cute your children are, and how many flavors of ice cream you keep in your freezer.
have you got your hair done yet?
from a 602 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 5:58 PM EST

Yup. I am ready for my night out on the town.

FWD: IT 2 SOMEBODY ELSE. LOL
from a 615 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 8:47 PM EST

No. I am not going to forward this to somebody else. One, because it's stupid. Two, because you didn't threaten me with suffering and lovelessness should I fail to forward this one. So I have no incentive here.
Also yesterday i had to take him to srprise caus he left his wallet......what a dork
from a 928 phone number, Friday, December 2, 8:51 PM EST

Rick told me to tell you that his screen just froze up. He had been trying to tex you.
from a 928 phone number, Sunday, December 4, 11:56 AM EST

Is Rick the same person who is a 'dork' for leaving his wallet? And now his cell phone is freezing? Bad week for Rick.
Dude why is there a giant birthday card from you on my door... my birthday is in august...
from a 781 phone number, Sunday, December 4, 3:53 AM EST

Oh, shit. I thought it was a giant Christmas card that I taped to your door at 3:53 in the morning, which obviously makes a whole lot more sense. My bad.
I just hit deer fucked front of car up.... Busted light and radiator
? PUNK ?

from an 828 phone number, Sunday, December 14, 11:46 AM EST

But you know what? That is still better than the alternative, where you swerve to hit the deer and run into oncoming traffic. This is a piece of common wisdom for all you drivers out there: Slow down. Take the deer.

P.S. Apparently this does not apply to moose. Moose will do a lot worse than just bust a light and the car radiator. Slow down. Take the deer. But if you see a moose, just swerve and pray.
Your gay
from a 978 phone number, Sunday, December 4, 3:28 PM EST

You know how I know you're gay? 'Cause you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
U guys should come over
from a 989 phone number, Thursday, December 1, 10:35 AM EST

Do you know where mom and dad are?
from a 989 phone number, Thursday, December 1, 2:15 PM EST

Hey Stevens coming to the Christmas party right
from a 989 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 12:20 PM EST

Because I was thinking Jake and Steven could have each other for secret Santa
from a 989 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 12:21 PM EST

Well, it's not really a "secret" Santa any more, now that the entire Internet knows, is it? So, thanks for that.
When do u want to skate
from a 917 phone number, Thursday, December 1, 7:04 PM EST

I am party rocking :)
from a 917 phone number, Friday, December 2, 6:29 PM EST

Waz up
from a 917 phone number, Friday, December 2, 8:12 PM EST

wat music do u like
from a 917 phone number, Friday, December 2, 8:13 PM EST

R u in jersey for the whole week end
from a 917 phone number, Friday, December 2, 8:34 PM EST

Me and anton r going to the karate clinic wat r u doing :)
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 11:51 AM EST

:) :( :[ :] :o funny faces
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 6:17 PM EST

Wat part in breaking dawn r u up to
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 6:43 PM EST

Do u like beiber
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 7:54 PM EST

Do u like mistletow by jb
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 7:58 PM EST

Sry about the BF thing
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 7:58 PM EST

Do u like mistetow by Jb???????
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 8:05 PM EST

wat r u doing
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 8:11 PM EST

i like u kind of but please dont kill me
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 8:13 PM EST

R u still their
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 8:17 PM EST

Wait but wat bout the first question
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 8:20 PM EST

Do u like me
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 8:27 PM EST

Its ok if u say no
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, December 3, 8:27 PM EST

Throughout all of the Justin Beiber/Twilight texts, I was assuming that 917 was a straight girl, so it came as quite a surprise when, after many days of texting, she/he suddenly starts hitting on Leila ("i like u kind of but please dont kill me"). How often has this happened to you, ladies: someone's like, "Yeah, I just want to listen to Z100 and paint my nails with you," and you're so sure you have this awesome new friend, when all along THEY ARE JUST TRYING TO GET IN YOUR PANTS.

Also, in case you missed it: "Mistletoe," as sung by Justin Bieber. The youtube video has close to 62 million views. I guess you probably didn't miss it.

Imma be under the mistletoe with you, shawty, with you.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

So somehow i convinced jason to spend all day saturday watching the twilight series including breaking dawn. care to covert joey with us?
from a 631 phone number, Wednesday, November 30, 9:27 PM EST

The only way I would agree to attend this would be if we spent the whole day playing Forever Young Adult's Twilight Drinking Game.
haha i no except now i cant breath cause my 160 pound bro sat on me i cant get...i got taped shut
from a 330 phone number, Tuesday, November 29, 6:34 PM EST

Right, that sounds like a healthy sibling relationship. Mostly the bit where he tapes her shut.
FWD: Why grassy assy young neice of mine opps
from a 619 phone number, Tuesday, November 29, 4:02 PM EST

"Grassy assy"? Is that like getting a grass stain on your ass?
sorry i called u during school....i butt dialed u
from a 330 phone number, Tuesday, November 29, 3:37 PM EST

"If you were wondering, I didn't actually want to speak to you."
hey remember you're getting breakfast tomoorow. don't get anitas- mary is the only one who eats oit and shes not getting drunk tonight i don't think.
from 703 phone number, Tuesday, November 29, 3:25 PM EST

hahaha Anita's sounds like a disgusting restaurant, if all it makes is hangover food, and even then hangover food that is acceptable only to one person (Mary).
Come down
from a 347 phone number, Tuesday, November 29, 6:59 AM EST

347 sent this text message four minutes later than last time. Sounds like someone was running late for school.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I put a request off in your box this AM, its for the end of February but i wud like to book airline tickets asap. i know ul get to it as soon as u can
from an 808 phone number, Monday, November 28, 2:07 PM EST

What am I, your secretary? Book your own goddamn plane tickets.

Okay, fine. I guess it's possible that Leila is 808's secretary. But still.
You ok? Dinner tonight?
from a 562 phone number, Monday, November 28, 11:36 AM EST

562 is such a 619 wannabe.
I just got reading glasses
Angel pup

from a 480 phone number, Saturday, November 26, 8:53 PM EST

If u asl they're thick cat eyed
Angel pup

from a 480 phone number, Saturday, November 26, 8:54 PM EST

To quote my favorite, Dorothy Parker: "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."
We sent $260, mtcn 945 491 xxxx. go right away to see amy, leave some money for ur kids so u can see how amy s doing.
from a 702 phone number, Monday, November 28m 5:57 PM EST

Txt me bck f u get my mssge. Txt samson, u all look 4 a neurologist in batangas &
from a 702 phone number, Monday, November 28, 5:59 PM EST

Batangas is in the Philippines. It seems to me like Amy might live in Batangas and is having some major health crisis that requires a neurologist, and 702 is encouraging Leila to leave her kids behind and head off to Batangas to check on Amy. If that's all true, that does not sound like an ideal state of affairs.
how was dinner? i am just about to leave farhad.s house
from a 619 phone number, Sunday, November 27, 11:30 PM EST

how about nice bean burrito for dinner. what tune you arte coming home?
from a 619 phone number, Monday, November 28, 8:51 PM EST

"Hi, my name is 619, and I exclusively like to text about dinner. That's it. All other topics of texting conversation bore me."

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Hows it going? U of M doesnt look to great
from a 734 phone number, Saturday, November 26, 2:16 PM EST

College football. Being a sports fan is not for the dilettante or the faint of heart. And I know this because I am both a dilettante and faint of heart, which is why my only interaction with today's "game" has been this text message.
Wats up shit face bbbbbaaabbbbbbyyyy
from a 978 phone number, Saturday, November 26, 12:50 AM EST

If 978's point is that he is shitfaced, well, I think that pretty much goes without saying. If on the other hand he is calling Leila a "shit face," I don't know, that doesn't really seem acceptable to me.
Oops! Hope yur tg was great. I do need $ for airfare soon so no intrest is charged. Also have sack for Zack. Steins & toy. want to get past this.
from an 815 phone number, Friday, November 25, 9:46 PM EST

"Sack for Zack"! That rhymes. Otherwise, not really clear what's going on here. "Hope your Thanksgiving was great," fine. "I do need money for airfare soon so no interest is charged," maybe paid for a flight on a credit card and is waiting for Leila to reimburse. "Steins and toy," just googled it, not a thing. "Want to get past this"-- what?
Think about what you're saying. "Oh, that's so gay, homosexuality is wrong, etc. etc." He's my best friend, and you're upsetting him. A lot.
Just think.

from a 510 phone number, Friday, November 25, 3:28 PM EST

I hadn't realized this before right this minute, but it turns out that opinions on sexuality are simple. I have no idea why our government has spent so many years deliberating DADT and gay marriage, or why Foucault even wrote those books in the first place, when 510 has just managed to change a homophobe's mind in 160 characters. That was easy!
Are the funks practicing this week?
from a 301 phone number, Thursday, November 24, 11:49 PM EST

Funk doesn't practice. Funk just happens.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Tell Mama check 956 $34.66
from a 229 phone number, Thursday, November 24, 3:59 PM EST

Do people still use checks to pay for routine business transactions? Like, would you go to the grocery store and buy $34.66 worth of groceries and then make a check out to Stop & Shop?
my love Hey do u wanna go black friday shooping at 12 with roszie
from a 443 phone number, Thursday, November 24, 11:41 AM EST

my love Heyy are u getting my texts
from a 443 phone number, Thursday, November 24, 12:20 PM EST

Texting Leila to ask if she is getting your texts seems like something of a Catch-22.
Hey u r still coming for thanksgiving even though nick is not
from a 719 phone number, Monday, November 21, 11:10 PM EST

Thanks for getting the gravy. Do you need a pan of dressing for the Wheeler dinner?
Malinda

from a 770 phone number, Wednesday, November 23, 3:45 PM EST

Happy thanksgiving! i hope i didn't wake you up.
from a 602 phone number, Thursday, November 24, 11:03 AM EST

HAPPY
THANKSGIVING
-fruit salad

from a 732 phone number, Thursday, November 24, 12:50 PM EST

Happy thanksgiving to your families
from a 301 phone number, Thursday, November 24, 1:10 PM EST

And a happy Thanksgiving to you!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

i am sex
from a 425 phone number, Wednesday, November 23, 4:43 PM EST

So you would describe yourself as a moist, sweaty, sticky, and occasionally very awkward person? I don't know, 425. Given the choice, I would rather be sexy than be sex. To each her own, I guess.
Come down
from a 347 phone number, Wednesday, November 23, 6:55 AM EST

But everything looks perfect from far away.
Abro Happy Birthday Leila! I hope you all had a great time at Disney! Sorry to text so late. Love Aunt Debbie
from a 586 phone number, Monday, November 21, 11:20 PM EST

If I had a dollar for every time a Leila Text references Disney, I would have enough dollars to buy myself a trip to Disneyworld.
I feel like I'm dying :( any suggestions?
from an 859 phone number, Monday, November 21, 8:45 PM EST

Pepto Bismol.
Wright Is Feeling Good.Michael Buble version?U want sultry,sexy costume?Did Kevin choreo yet?Dress?Skimpy or covered?
from a 559 phone number, Monday, November 21, 1:26 PM EST

559 and Leila strike me as adult performers. I hope that Kevin choreographed a sultry, sexy dance for them to perform to some rockin' Michael Buble jams.
Anne>> :) my fone is makin me mad cuz i can only use the keyboard :(
from a 419 phone number, Tuesday, November 22, 8:02 PM EST

Anne>> Nm u
from a 419 phone number, Tuesday, November 22, 8:19 PM EST

anne>> Hey :)
from a 419 phone number, Wednesday, November 23, 5:32 PM EST

Dear Anne,
Your fone is makin me mad, as well.
Sincerely,
Leila
Has the traffic died down?
from an 818 phone number, Wednesday, November 23, 6:45 PM EST

It's the night before Thanksgiving. Do you think the traffic has died down?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Hey sorry i was a jerk ummm well i was mad u guys told a lie about me i no u r still band at me but will u forgiive me still evan if we cant hanf out
from an 815 phone number, Sunday, November 20, 7:00 PM EST

This is not much of an apology. First 815's like, "Sorry I was a jerk," which is a good start. But then she's like, "I was mad that you guys told a lie about me," which seems like it's just starting the argument up again. Then she asks for forgiveness, and then she says they still can't hang out. 815 is actually pretty lucky that this text came to me instead of to her Intended Leila, because now she gets another shot at trying to figure out how to say "sorry."
Kitten has made his christmas list.... 6 mice, one pound of catnip (peruvian), a whitefin tuna and a "I hate dogs" sign......
from a 401 phone number, Saturday, November 19, 6:31 PM EST

Isn't it a bit early for Christmas lists? Come on, Kitten. It's not even Thanksgiving yet.
Heeeeeyyyyy. Im bored. HOMEWORK!!! Bleuaghhh!!
from a 920 phone number, Thursday, November 17, 8:52 PM EST

dad said 15 minutes or 20:9 sooooooooooo board!!!!
from a 574 phone number, Sunday, November 20, 2:21 PM EST

One of the things about being a teenager is feeling a really vehement, powerful sense of boredom. As an adult, when that boredom starts to nip at my heels, I just sweep my floors for a while. After that, boredom doesn't seem all that bad any more.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Don't forget to put out your cans for the boyscouts! Nathan will be by to pick them up today. His troop is covering your subdivision
from a 314 phone number, Saturday, November 19, 8:49 AM EST

I would make a terrible Boy Scout. Mostly because I am not "always prepared," and I haven't even left my bed yet today, let alone to go collect canned food. Also because I am not a boy.
I see big wish cute like 5$ #6
from a 707 phone number, Saturday, November 19, 1:04 AM EST

Look at web belt buckle dallas cowboys for brendon
from a 707 phone number, Saturday, November 19, 1:09 AM EST

Web with*
from a 707 phone number, Saturday, November 19, 1:09 AM EST



Is that honestly what Brendon wants for his birthday?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I love you more.
Mom

from a 505 phone number, Tuesday, November 15, 8:12 PM EST

It relieves me to know that 505's relationship with her daughter Leila is not just constant nagging. Sometimes there is also love.
We only have math for homework right
<333333

from an 845 phone number, Tuesday, November 15, 3:30 PM EST

What is the math hw?
from a 760 phone number, Tuesday, November 15, 7:47 PM EST

And the text message theme for the week is... math homework! Hooray!

The theme for next week week will be Thanksgiving. Just wait.
ali
Www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/laila_ali
I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT

from a 626 phone number, Tuesday, November 15, 8:15 PM EST

I went to this URL and came up with: nothing. My best guess is that Ali tried to create a wikipedia entry for her friendship with Leila, and then this page got taken down almost immediately because it is not actually a real thing. Those vigilantes on wikipedia are very careful about all entries being real things. I know this because one time one of my friends made a wikipedia page about me, and it was removed before I even got the chance to look at it.
No actully i didnt put any lies
from a 408 phone number, Wednesday, November 16, 1:07 PM EST

LEILA: "I just got a 40% as a purity test score! Woo-wee, I seem to have led a pretty daring life. Is that what you got, too?"
408: "No, actually, I didn't put any lies."
I'm going to cheat tomorrow. Don't judge me. I'm going to make a pdf of the answers to all of her study guide questions and look at it on my phone.
from an 859 phone number, Thursday, November 17, 1:35 AM EST

Earlier this week I filmed an interview about the Leila Texts with RightThisMinute TV. One of the questions they asked me was, "If you got a text message that indicated someone was going to do something bad, would you intervene?" This sounded like a moral challenge. Apparently the answer is "no," because when I received this text message, I did not call up 859 and beg her to consider the error of her ways. I just went back to sleep.
I wont bug u thats fine
doesn't mattr 2 me anymore

from an 814 phone number, Thursday, November 17, 10:08 AM EST

You see that passive aggression there? Subtle.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Will u each pls think of a cheap dinner suggestion. just write it down for when i get home. thx :)
I <3 my family!

from a 412 phone number, Monday, November 14, 3:02 PM EST

Why don't you just feed them American cheese again, like you did last week?
because of the hipsters?
from an 801 phone number, Monday, November 14, 4:51 PM EST

Trying really hard to figure out what statement 801 might be responding to here.

LEILA: "I refuse to go to Alligator Lounge for free pizza."
801: "Because of the hipsters?"

LEILA: "I used to dig Bukowski, but he has been ruined for me now."
801: "Because of the hipsters?"

LEILA: "I am boycotting the Internet."
801: "Because of the hipsters?"
haha bruh liez aint funnii
from a 732 phone number, Monday, November 14, 7:48 PM EST

Pretty sure this is, "Haha, brother, lies aren't funny." Only here is my question: If lies aren't funny, then why are you haha-ing?
Your stupid
from a 978 phone number, Saturday, November 12, 2:27 PM EST

Really? I'm stupid? Um, no offense, but I'm not the one who doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're."

Sunday, November 13, 2011

do u think we should have a copy of the text? text is defined = what appears on the wall. people may want a copy of this intro by russell lynes.
from a 917 phone number, Saturday, November 12, 3:40 PM EST

Apparently, Russell Lynes wrote a bunch of stuff, including the sentence "Cynicism is the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence." If that appeals to you, then yeah, I think you should probably have a copy of the text.
Dear Leila- my heart was heavy for you yesterday for you- you are so very beautiful-just as you are-right now-just as you are - i am praying tht you will
from a 570 phone number, Saturday, November 12, 1:59 PM EST

Feel that deep in your soul...that is the honest truth- hve you rea the book 'captivated' have we talked about that ? I have it and will get it to you- i
from a 570 phone number, Saturday, November 12, 2:00 PM EST

I assume that 570 is referring here to Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, which is written by an evangelist.



Option B is that 570 is talking about Captivated: A Phantom Corps Novel.



I don't know, you tell me.
You havn't called me.
mom

fron a 505 phone number, Saturday, November 12, 1:50 PM EST

Oh my God, enough already!
disney bound
Sandy

from a 908 phone number, Saturday, November 12, 1:40 PM EST

Sandy, please go on "Soarin' Over California" for me. That ride is really important to me.
Hi Leila!Shirley remined me that we had a hiking meetup tomorrow. It set up 2 weeks before, i almost forgot it. So i don't think i can join you tomorrow
from a 202 phone number, Saturday, November 12, 5:07 PM EST

"I'm sorry I can't attend your Dionysian chocolate-eating making-out fun-fest tomorrow. I have a hiking meet-up. I am a woman who honors her commitments."
5Th rond. Paquaio ahead on points
from a 253 phone number, Sunday, November 13, 12:14 AM EST

Manny Pacquiao is a boxer. I know, seriously, we are now getting real-time updates on boxing. Is there nothing that random text messages can't tell us?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Hi its romey
from an 828 phone number, Friday, November 11, 11:14 PM EST

"I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda."
Morning, dear. Good luck today. You'll be spectacular. As for me, I shall be sleeping, because who the fuck wakes up at 0630 on a Saturday? Love you lots.
from an 813 phone number, Saturday, November 12, 6:25 AM EST

Dear 813,

GOOD POINT.

Sincerely,
Leila, who just woke up an hour ago
Y mi tia yuyu como segui???!
from a 571 phone number, Saturday, November 12, 9:42 AM EST

"And my aunt Yuyu like something???!"

Four years of high school Spanish, and it's like I'm fluent.
Yu workin? Wanna go 4 dress sale...buy 3 in price of 11?
from a 703 phone number, Saturday, November 12, 10:58 AM EST

I am working, it's true, but I do want to go for a dress sale... however, I'm not sure I want to buy three dresses in price of eleven dresses. Mostly because I am not sure what that means.
I just saw a Camaro
from a 949 phone number, Saturday, November 12, 11:31 AM EST

Okay, but was it bitchin'?
Cheese monkeys!!
from a 908 phone number, Friday, November 11, 7:43 PM EST

A Chip Kidd novel. Also-- thank you Urban Dictionary listing with two thumbs up and eight thumbs down--"One who wears Christmas sweaters during Christmas."

Let's just assume she was referring to the Chip Kidd novel.
Are you a god?
from a 603 phone number, Thursday, November 10, 2:22 PM EST

Thanks to this text, I have had Vertical Horizon stuck in my head for the past day and a half.

P.S. Had not watched this music video since high school. V. powerful stuff.
Why did ur brother or brother get mad at u
from a 408 phone number, Friday, November 11, 10:07 PM EST

Sometimes people will send me fake Leila Texts, I guess hoping to see their words posted on this blog, and occasionally I am fooled, but not very often. And that is because fake Leila Texts make too much sense. Real text messages are like this one: mostly nonsensical, but ultimately, somehow, meaningful.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Ants game tonight is @ vets not cabrillo @ 7
from a 562 phone number, Thursday, November 10, 11:53 AM EST

Cabrillo is a college in California, which is also where the 562 area code is. Vets is presumably... also a college in California? Like a veterinary school, maybe? Ants are, like, a sports team? Why would you name your sports team "the Ants"? That just doesn't sound very threatening.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

As you are probably aware, today has been a crazy day for the Leila Texts. Gizmodo wrote a post about this blog, which is awesome, but which also means I have received roughly one million text messages over the past three hours.

One reason why I am able to receive Leila Texts in the first place is that I have a dumbphone. I love my dumbphone, for without it I would have no blog, but I will say that it is WAY TOO DUMB to artfully handle the number of texts that have been coming in.

I tried to text back everyone who wrote to say, "Hey, I like your blog," but I know for sure there are some people who I missed, and there may also be some people who I texted back like four times in a row to say, "Thanks!" If you fall into either of those categories: sorry about that. Try me again on a day when this blog hasn't been featured on a Gawker Media site and I'll be more on my game.

To those of you who wrote me "real" Leila Texts that said things like "whatever you put in my uncles drink made him shit all day long," and, "lets try havin buttsex again," and "y didnt u tell me where you buried the dog"... yeah. I've been doing this for close to five years. I am for sure still foolable, but I'm not that foolable.

Finally, not to be all mercenary, but I'd hardly be an American if I didn't take this opportunity to tell you how to spend your money. I blog about text messages for fun. I write humorous young adult novels for a living. If you wanted to read one of my books, or give a copy to your 15-year-old niece, I would think that's a very good idea.

Okay, announcements over. Enjoy!
Omg I'm still trip
from a 760 phone number, Wednesday, November 9, 1:48 AM EST

Tripping
from a 760 phone number, Wednesday, November 9, 1:48 AM EST

Good nite
from a 760 phone number, Wednesday, November 9, 1:49 AM EST

Unclear whether 760 means this literally-- like, "Oh my God, I can't believe that LSD I took at noon today is STILL affecting me"-- or figuratively-- like, "Even though it's been ten hours since Mr. Hunter told us we have a science test tomorrow, I'm still tripping about that news."
Yes to 35338
from an 832 phone number, Tuesday, November 8, 11:21 PM EST

Over the course of a few minutes, I received roughly fifteen text messages from 832 that all looked like this. Some just said "YES." Some just said "35338." I deleted most of them because they seemed super-boring.

Eventually I got annoyed and called 832. "Hi," I said. "You keep texting me. Please stop." He didn't really say anything except "Oh." So I hung up.

Then I felt bad about being so harsh on the phone, so I sent a follow-up text that said the following:

Sorry, i get a lot of weird texts... Good luck reaching whomever youre trying to text!
from me, Tuesday, November 8, 11:23 PM EST

Then today I googled 35338:

"If you are texting the number 35338 then you would be texting to Mobile Hookup which is a dating text chat line."

I'm now trying to decide which is most embarrassing: being the sort of person who texts a paid hookup text chat line; getting called out on it by a random girl; or having your antics posted on the Internet.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

R u doing holiday camp at chagrin?
from a 330 phone number, Tuesday, November 8, 4:36 PM EST

I assume "holiday camp" is camp that lasts the week between Christmas and New Years, or over Thanksgiving break, or something. Still unclear on where Chagrin is, though my knee-jerk response is that it doesn't sound like that fun of a place.
heyy i get 2 ride at my neighborsz tday:)
from a 330 phone number, Monday, November 7, 12:47 PM EST

We should all be so lucky as to have neighbors who own ponies. Or motocross bikes.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Y is logan grounded,wat did he do?
from a 704 phone number, Friday, November 4, 4:09 PM ESTM

Perjury.
Is ur power out
<333333

from an 845 phone number, Friday, November 4, 7:52 PM EST

No! Was yours? I know a lot of power went out last weekend on the east coast, because of the Halloweekend snowstorm (see this text message, for example). But why would your power go out this weekend, too?
Shut the tv. Idont want my electric to go up. Mom
from a 505 phone number, Saturday, November 5, 12:57 AM EST

I hate to tell you this, mom, but this is usually not a terribly persuasive argument when approaching your five year old. You may want to just tell him to shut off the TV because it will rot his mind or because he's grounded or something.
YES
from a 951 phone number, Sunday, November 6, 1:04 AM EST

YES = one of my favorite songs of all time. Thank you for texting me about it, 951.
Hi Robin and Marcy are coming over to take Andrew and staying for lunch. IF YOU WANT COME OVER AND HAVE LUNCH. I understand if you cannot. Love u mum
from a 770 phone number, Sunday, November 6, 8:26 AM EST

Possibly the most forceful lunch invitation I have received this month.
Good nite MWSW!
See you tomorrow.
Nugs, Mom

from an 810 phone number, Sunday, November 6, 9:24 PM EST

"MWSW" stands for Ministry of Women and Social Welfare. In Nepal. Thank you, Acronym Finder, and thank you, Leila's mom.
Lady this my work cell.bring car charger 4 phone.txt me ur arrival time
from an 808 phone number, Friday, November 4, 3:48 PM EST

We shud go concert 2moro!even if i sick lady!war is name of concert?
from an 808 phone number, Friday, November 4, 4:07 PM EST

I feel like if you're that sick, and you don't have know the name of the concert you would be going to see, it might be okay to skip it. I mean, if you were going to see like your favorite band, that would be a different story. In that case I would tell you to just go and bring a barf bag in your purse.
R u going on the prozdor trip?
from a 973 phone number, Friday, November 4, 6:20 AM EST

Prozdor is a Jewish high school outside of Boston. I know this because I grew up outside of Boston, and pretty much everyone I knew went to Prozdor after their bar or bat mitzvahs. I did not, which is why I don't know where Prozdor goes on trips. Maybe an amusement park. Maybe by skipping Prozdor, I actually missed out on years of amusement park trips.
Damn I fell back to sleep now wide awake eating leftovers gross where r u at its a yucky day
from an 859 phone number, Thursday, November 3, 7:47 PM EST

I'm a big believer in naps, so I don't have that much sympathy for 859. Oh, no. You got in some extra sleep so now you're not tired. Damn.
Mitzi said to tell u to enter the contest on fbook, the winner gets a free shirt....its on "say it in stitches"
from a 256 phone number, Thursday, November 3, 7:27 PM EST

Say It in Stitches is "a full service, high-volume contract embroidery company." It's not really clear to me what kind of free shirt the winner might get. Presumably one that is embroidered with some sort of thing.
Who eats the american cheese?
I <3 my family!

from a 412 phone number, Tuesday, November 1, 5:32 PM EST

If u guys r gonna watch a movie u need to get it started ~ its almost 930
I <3 my family!

from a 412 phone number, Saturday, November 5, 8:24 PM EST

I shall tell you who eats the American cheese: children. And people who have somehow never tasted real cheese. I know it is upsetting, but all we can do is pity them.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Halloween party?
~RonDawg!

from a 605 phone number, Tuesday, November 1, 1:30 AM EST

Of course. Do you even have to ask?
Nevermind... Got one... Myabe... A pillowcase i think
Meep da unicorn

from an 818 phone number, Monday, October 31, 8:52 PM EST

Unicorns! I love those. In fact, my Halloween costume this year was a unicorn. Specifically a Lisa Frank unicorn. I looked like this:

I never got Austin's address....did u get my txt?
from a 928 phone number, Monday, October 31, 7:25 PM EST

Sure, I got your text. I just don't have Austin's address.
Dave said she has to see a physician. Dave cannot write that type of medication.
from a 951 phone number, Monday, October 31, 11:27 AM EST

What the fuck kind of useless dentist is he, then?
Vegetables sauteed for stuffing...check :)
from a 914 phone number, Sunday, October 30, 5:37 PM EST

One time I went to a vegan Thanksgiving party. There was a lot of tofu and a LOT of PBR.
I miss you friend..when are you coming in again...I feel like everything was too much of a whirl before my wedding to hang out
from a 716 phone number, Sunday, October 30, 2:46 PM EST

That is the great irony of weddings. Everyone you care about is there, but you can't hang out with any of them because you are too busy getting married! I have never had a wedding. But I have had a lot of birthday parties, and I find that it's pretty much the same thing.
Hey i got a new phone for getting all a's! :)
from a 234 phone number, Wednesday, November 2, 8:39 PM EST

I miss you and wuv ya!
from a 234 phone number, Wednesday, November 2, 9:08 PM EST

Hey i am up! I am hoping you are having fun on vacation! :)
from a 234 phone number, Thursday, November 3, 6:51 AM EST

I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW YOU MY NEW PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!N I can't wait until u get home either!
from a 234 phone number, Thursday, November 3, 7:40 AM EST

I don't believe in buying kids new phones as rewards for getting straight As. Learning things should be its own reward. When I was in middle school I knew a girl who got $50 for every report-card A. I have no idea what happened to her, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this didn't make her any happier today than I am. Though I guess she may be richer.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Hey....how do i go about possibly renting the social hall
ReBecca (I am second +)

from a 570 phone number, Friday, October 14, 10:11 AM EST

First you have to prove that you deserve it. We don't rent this social hall to just any old shlub. Demonstrate why we would benefit from you holding your event at the social hall. Then we'll talk money.
FWD: Fw: Hey my friend has vicoden n brand name percocet if ur interested
from a 937 phone number, Wednesday, October 12, 11:18 PM EST

A surprising number of Leilas are tangentially involved in the drug trade these days.
hey lady. do you need a overhead hair dryer and some dishes?
from a 407 phone number, Wednesday, October 12, 9:16 PM EST

No, and also, you're really not selling them here. Say something like, "The dishes are really pretty," or, "The hair dryer works surprisingly fast." Convince me!
- Puss and boots
- Dolphin Tale
-Jhonny english reborn
- cars 2
- something borrowed

from a 610 phone number, Tuesday, October 11, 6:44 AM EST

It is hard to tell what the guiding principle is here, other than "a list of movies that I do not want to watch."
Hi Leila! Its Anya! I got a phone 4 an early bday present! I am not aloud 2 text ALOT, bcuz my parents only want e texting 4 emergencies, but I just
from a 617 phone number, Tuesday, October 11, 3:00 PM EST

Wanted to say hi to you! :)
from a 617 phone number, Tuesday, October 11, 3:02 PM EST

Oh, yeah, Anya's parents. Way to lay down the law. Anya is definitely abiding by your rules already.
Give me it
from a 513 phone number, Friday, October 14, 3:44 PM EST

Stop fiteing you to
from a 513 phone number, Friday, October 14, 4:26 PM EST

When are parents going to realize that, when their children are silent in the backseat, it is only because they are fighting via text message, not because they have actually declared peace?
Want to meet @ radio room for happy hour?
from a 503 phone number, Friday, October 14, 8:04 PM EST

Radio Room is a bar in Portland, which is also where a 503 area code is from. According to Yelp, they have a make-your-own bloody mary bar.
there is left over chicken from quesidias the other night pull that out a tortilla ad chees from freezer and heat in microwave for about 45 seconds or 1
from a 404 phone number, Saturday, October 15, 11:46 AM EST

Leila has reached the age where her mother will leave her alone for a couple hours on a Saturday, but she has not yet reached the age where her mother trusts her to do absolutely anything without accidentally killing or starving herself.
This game is getting ridiculous. The Griz r giving this game away.
from a 909 phone number, Saturday, October 15, 3:47 PM EST

Presumably The Montana Grizzlies? Presumably football?
Heyaaaa. I think im gonna go to the claremont farmers market today if u wanna meet up!
from a 909 phone number, Sunday, October 16, 11:58 AM EST

In Claremont, California. California is so verdant. They get to have farmers markets year-round.
My lips are still so refreshed!!!
from a 407 phone number, Sunday, October 16, 2:24 PM EST

I often feel similar levels of enthusiasm after applying vaseline.
TU PAPA ESTA ESPERANDO Q LO LLAMES PARA P Para iete arego jerte
from a 703 phone number, Sunday, October 16, 6:32 PM EST

YOUR FATHER IS WAITING something CALL FOR something something something.
Mr hanson just said: "kelty im dependig on your blatant honesty!"
from a 707 phone number, Monday, October 17, 10:15 AM EST

"Tell me, Kelty, and be blatantly honest, as is your wont: What is 7 x 7?"
Oh and bad news: Melanie has no family so far and there are just 7 days left. BAD BAD NEWS FOR ME UGH
from a 617 phone number, Tuesday, October 18, 12:38 PM EST

I assume they are trying to find an adoptive family for Melanie before her deadline. My question is, is Melanie a stray dog or an orphaned child? Either way, I agree with 617's assessment: This is bad bad news.
hey im going to subway what kind do you want?
~XOXO~

from a 928 phone number, Tuesday, October 18, 4:27 PM EST

Ugh. Do I have to? Can I just get a cookie there? I pretty much only trust their cookies.
Hi..hope u r safe at home n warm..we lost power over an hour ago..hope all is ok...kids send love & hugs..
from a 201 phone number, Saturday, October 29, 2:45 PM EST

Whoa, I thought NYC had it bad because it was snowing on Halloweekend. But at least we still have power here! Otherwise I would not only have to suffer through a snowstorm in a white unitard and oaktag unicorn's horn, but also I would be unable to update the Leila Texts. The horror.
be sure to check ur teethe for poppy seeds
from a 404 phone number, Wednesday, October 19, 7:29 AM EST

This is always good advice. Doubly so when you are going on television.
Omg that was sooo weird i wish u were going into the store!! then we could look at heels and clothes!! luv yo! did u hear what i was singing it was wiggle
from a 978 phone number, Friday, October 21, 5:02 PM EST

I think this is what boys imagine girls talk like. "We could look at heels and clothes!!" Oh, girls. With their "hobbies."
Hi Leila- thanks for your prayers! Once again! They worked! Reminded of 1 Cor 13- ! Love anf praying for you and what we walked about yesterday!
from a 570 phone number, Friday, October 21, 7:58 PM EST

The text of 1 Corinthians 13, for those of us who are less Christian than 570 and Leila.
Kobe peed upstairs by the stairs i didnt have time to clean it. I didnt take him outside since he peed so he needs to go out to poop when u get home
from a 702 phone number, Friday, October 21, 8:00 PM EST

Laziest dog-sitter EVER.
where are you? I'm at fhcrc. you find a ride?
from a 269 phone number, Friday, October 21, 9:10 PM EST

The Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, in Seattle. Hopefully 269 is a researcher, and not a patient.
FWD: janny look 4 larry king special today on cnn he comes bac fr retirement 2 interview johnny depp it just started here @ 5
from an 808 phone number, Saturday, October 22, 8:04 PM EST

And here is the episode on youtube, if you are as excited about this news as 808 is.
Do you want to do the corn maze tommorow night?
from a 541 phone number, Saturday, October 22, 8:58 PM EST

Yes! I love maize mazes. I did one two weekends ago and it only took us 25 minutes. That said, we may have cheated.
530 DA BUS LEAVES Da mall
from an 808 phone number, Sunday, October 23, 7:05 PM EST

There is no way I'm going to be done at the American Eagle by 5:30. I'm sorry. I'm just not.
doing steam fish tonite.... 6 turtles
from an 808 phone number, Sunday, October 23, 8:25 PM EST

Eating steamed fish for dinner seems fine to me. Eating steamed turtles, however, gives me pause.
I got a 78 again
from a 330 phone number, Monday, October 24, 2:59 PM EST

Maybe you should try a little harder. One C+ is fine, but two C+s in a row is really nothing to write home about.
do you want avon i am ordering
from a 706 phone number, Monday, October 24, 5:43 PM EST

I don't know, Avon always makes me think of Edward Scissorhands. I think I feel more comfortable just sticking to my local Sephora. But thanks.
Heyy call me "ok"
from a 541 phone number, Monday, October 24, 7:54 PM EST

"Sure" thing. That'll definitely "happen."
It duz i have 2 bros and 1 sis
~AVENGED SEVENFOLD ROCKS :)~

from a 762 phone number, Tuesday, October 25, 4:56 PM EST

Avenged Sevenfold is a band. As their name may indicate, they play heavy metal. I just listened to one of their songs, and personally I do not think that they rock, but I admit that I'm not their target audience.
Why cant you answer our texts?? Phone dead as usual??? Why do I get the feeling that you dont have the money to pay it?
from an 859 phone number, Tuesday, October 25, 6:03 PM EST

What a bitch. Leila has PLENTY of money to pay her phone bill. She isn't answering you because she isn't receiving your texts. Also because she thinks you are judgmental and critical.
Hi Leila can u get me some white out on the way home
from a 408 phone number, Tuesday, October 25, 7:21 PM EST

Wite Out seems to be one of those products that was very useful for a time and now, thanks to the availability of personal computers and printers, is probably not so useful. But what do I know. Clearly it is still useful to 408.
Ugly
from a 978 phone number, Thursday, October 27, 7:57 PM EST

You're not much to look at yourself, 978.
Home now. everything is good. good meds in lala land
from a 605 phone number, Friday, October 28, 6:18 PM EST

Sleeping pills?
You guys going to the game tonight?
from an 865 phone number, Saturday, October 29, 12:15 PM EST

Um, no. It is the Saturday before Halloween, a.k.a "Halloweekend." This is not a night for viewing sports games. This is a night for costumes, apple-bobbing, and French kisses with masked strangers.
Call me. You were suppose to be home. Did you go for those papers? mom
from a 505 phone number, Monday, October 10, 7:10 PM EST

Call me. The car needs to be seen. Mom
from a 505 phone number, Friday, October 28, 1:02 PM EST

Aren't you coming yet? mom
from a 505 phone number, Saturday, October 29, 12:04 PM EST

Does Leila's mother have any idea how demanding and critical she sounds in text message? If I were Leila, I would be late to meeting this woman, too.
Ok when wine came it is 1/2bottle of a big bottle.GUESST the name on the bottle for winey? My boy friends last name hahn!!! Now guess how much!!! 15. The s
from a 712 phone number. Friday, October 21, 10:56 AM EST

Hay i got a buss_st. And guess what no one to talk to. I'm learning the hard way yet.txt so i know your their. I miss a muchhhhh.
from a 712 phone number, Friday, October 21, 10:57 AM EST

Ok i wen to supper and i thought i will have one of little bottle of wine! Order healthy choice/bad/wine/ thinking glass/bottle like what we had!!!!
from a 712 phone number, Friday, October 21, 10:58 AM EST

Super-unclear. We know that 712 drank some wine, for sure. We know that her boyfriend's last name is Hahn. We know that she got a bus seat but no one to talk to. We have absolutely no idea what "healthy choice/bad/wine/ thinking glass/bottle like what we had" is. That could be anything at all.
We need more girlfriends
from a 336 phone number, Monday, October 24, 9:40 PM EST

We're in this polygamous dating community, and our peers are constantly making fun of us for having only one girlfriend at a time. Like, what are we supposed to do, take her out Friday and Saturday nights?
Ill give you a gram to work for me tonight. Please i got so much more mopro to do Im desperate
from a 763 phone number, Wednesday, October 26, 12:59 PM EST

And i will also cover one shift on equal hours over thanksgiving break if you do it today..
from a 763 phone number, Thursday, October 27, 5:22 PM EST

Just to clarify: I am fairly certain that 763 is offering Leila drugs in exchange for her taking over his shift at work. Literally, drugs. That is the kind of free-market economy that we live in.
Is Ericka Wesson ur friend Ericka? She wants to FB friend me but I am really cautious abt who sees my info so I wanted to ck
from a 928 phone number, Wednesday, October 26, 4:28 PM EST

What is Austin's address so I can send him card?
from a 928 phone number, Thursday, October 27, 6:49 PM EST

This is a good example of online safety. I think facebook will steal your information and identity regardless, but I respect that you're trying.
Theres this sticky note on the ground and it says ur name on it
from a 408 phone number, Thursday, October 27, 5:47 PM EST

My brothers charger fits but can i give it 2 u on monday cause i just remebered that my brother doesnt have prac and hw has a football game tomarrow
from a 408 phone number, Thursday, October 27, 6:49 PM EST

Il trade u this phone 4 the blue backpack
from a 408 phone number, Thursday, October 27, 7:37 PM EST

Ill trade u this phone 4 my zebra print backpack
from a 408 phone number, Thursday, October 27, 10:10 PM EST

Did u get in trouble im soooo sorry did he take away the phone
from a 408 phone number, Friday, October 28, 5:49 PM EST

Wat do u think the code is cause i just tried it and it said to wait 60min and thats a whole hour
from a 408 phone number, Friday, October 28, 6:6 PM EST

In my day, there have been some backpacks that I wanted, sure. Never enough that I would trade a cell phone for them, but, sure, I guess I see where 408 is coming from.
Heyy in trob
from a 541 phone number, Thursday, October 27, 9:08 PM EST

Heyy hes mad and cant spend night maby
from a 541 phone number, Thursday, October 27, 9:15 PM EST

YES!
from a 541 phone number, Thursday, October 27, 9:19 PM EST

He can't spend the night? Or he won't, because he's mad? If the latter: That is unacceptable. Make amends. We have a slumber party planned.
Lets text each other
from a 310 phone number, Friday, October 28, 11:26 PM EST

Text me
from a 310 phone number, Friday, October 28, 11:28 PM EST

When you reach a certain age (14), you can stay up pretty much as late as you please, but you can't actually DO anything. For this crowd, text messaging really is the height of Friday-night fun.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Brewers won johns cousin jerry hairston is playing.
from a 503 phone number, Friday, October 7, 9:02 PM EST

Baseball. This dude is on the Milwaukee Brewers. Did you know that was a team? Okay, well, now we all know.
jean white Me and sister koldendar want to wish you a wonderful happy birthday, and hope you did something special on this very great day today.
from a 435 phone number, Sunday, October 9, 11:16 PM EST

I googled "Leila Jean White" but couldn't quite come up with any hits. Nonetheless: Happy birthday, Leila Jean White!
Hey thought u would wanna know cause we all used to hang out But josh wilbanks died today
from an 864 phone number, Sunday, October 9, 5:15 PM EST

I don't know who Josh Wilbanks is, but this is very sad news. I can't find his obituary online, but perhaps it hasn't gone out yet.
missing you already…felt sad all day yesterday. did you take off early this morning?
from a 203 phone number, Monday, October 10, 10:18 AM EST

Awww. Leila misses you, too.
I got a hot guy you’re gonna hook up with at my party k? he’s a marine
from a 267 phone number, Saturday, October 8, 8:58 PM EST

Does the marine know that he’s going to hook up with Leila? I’m sure he’d be into it, since all Leilas are by definition incredibly hot. I’m just wondering is 267 had alerted him to this amazing hook-up opportunity, or not.
Hey hope things are going ok text or call when you have any news sissy told me you are close good luck we love you
from an 805 phone number, Friday, October 7, 10:57 PM EST

I wonder what Leila is close to. Sissy told me you are close to buying that house? Sissy told me you are close to getting cast in that commercial? Sissy told me you are close to leaving work for the day? Anything, really.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Hi bff/sis
from a 480 phone number, Sunday, September 25, 7:19 PM EST

Night leila
from a 480 phone number, Sunday, September 25, 11:10 PM EST

Morning
from a 480 phone number, Monday, September 26, 11:00 AM EST

It makes me laugh to see Leila Texts that say "Night leila" because Leila means night, in many languages. It's like saying "Night night." Which is also cute.
Win tom so that we can go to the championships!!!!!!!!!
from an 859 phone number, Saturday, September 24, 4:15 PM EST

This seems like generally good advice. You know, don't lose. Win, instead.
hey i gotta run up north aftr troy so im probly gunna pass out can we do lunch 2mrw?.. im getting tattood in the late afternoon
*LiL*aSh*

from a 518 phone number, Tuesday, September 27, 12:40 AM EST

what the fuck is sean on cus this is ridiculous..
*LiL*aSh*

from a 518 phone number, Friday, September 30, 7:51 PM EST

Every time we hear from Lil Ash, she gets slightly more debauched. Drinking, tattooing, swearing! I am fascinated by her.
Come home so we can watch lost
from a 703 phone number, Saturday, October 1, 8:27 PM EST

Confession: I have never watched Lost. I am not opposed to it or anything. It's just that by the time I understood that it was a cultural phenomenon, it was like season three, and I knew I would never be able to catch up. I know one friend who watched every episode in order to get caught up for season five. It was insane. She was watching like eight hours of Lost each night. I feel like I don't have eight hours a night.
Duh im here but didnt see the white board advertising free massage etc. Is it upstairs?
from a 609 phone number, Sunday, October 2, 11:55 AM EST

Here meaning at the event
from a 609 phone number, Sunday, October 2, 11:56 AM EST

Free massage?! Can I also come to this event? I never see white boards advertising free massage etc., but I would sure like to.
Wanna chill with me and maddy?
from a 503 phone number, Sunday, October 2, 8:09 PM EST

???
from a 503 phone number, Sunday, October 2, 8:15 PM EST

Sorry, I wasn't aware from the first text that this was a question. I thought perhaps you were being rhetorical. The three question marks really clarifies the issue. Thanks.
I will be at the bgreenbelt tennis courts playing
from a 301 phone number, Wednesday, October 5, 5:29 PM EST

Presumably that’s the Greenbelt, Maryland, Tennis Association, especially since 301 is a Maryland area code. Google tells me there is also a Greenbelt Tennis Club, but that’s in Canada. I don’t think the Leila Texts works in Canada.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Can u sub for me tonite at navy 6:30-8
from a 410 phone number, Thursday, October 6, 2:44 PM EST

Presumably this is an Old Navy shift? I think if you are in the actual navy you can’t just ask someone to sub for you on your naval ship at war for an hour and a half.
This is Bs & Cs weather!
from a 616 phone number, Thursday, October 6, 5:21 PM EST

It’s true, in weather like this I don’t want to stay inside and study and get As. I want to go apple picking and frolic through leaves and get Bs and Cs!
Avoid him
The b3@$t

from a 662 phone number, Thursday, October 6, 11:42 AM EST

Wat u doing
The b3@$t

from a 662 phone number, Thursday, October 6, 12:14 PM EST

Hey wat u doing
The b3@$t

from a 662 phone number, Thursday, October 6, 1:20 PM EST

Still at wall greens
The b3@$t

from a 662 phone number, Thursday, October 6, 5:52 PM EST

Do you think someone else termed 662 “The Beast,” or is that a name that he gave to himself? It’s kind of self-aggrandizing to nickname yourself “The Beast.”
Hey u r hot
from a 704 phone number, Wednesday, October 5, 6:57 PM EST

This is the text message equivalent of a construction worker catcalling at you as you walk home from work.
do u mind txting me the top notch words
:]Lmfao[;

from an 845 phone number, Wednesday, October 5, 6:56 PM EST

Sure, well, there’s obviously antidisestablishmentarianism. That’s pretty top-notch. I’m into the word efficacious. Oh, onomatopoeia, that is a top notch word. Is this helping you any?
Ok so when are we hangin out hoe
from a 781 phone number, Tuesday, October 4, 5:46 PM EST

When will texters learn? “Hoe” is a gardening implement. “Ho” is a prostitute. You’re trying to call Leila a prostitute, not an object similar to a rake, right? Work on this.
Lol.. I’m at best buy and they need to hurry
from an 808 phone number, Friday, September 30, 11:46 PM EST

Clearly 808 has never been to a Best Buy before if she thinks it’s actually possible that the staff there might “hurry.”
What events are u swimming
from an 803 phone number, Wednesday, September 28, 5:24 PM EST

Me, personally? Well, the doggy paddle 30 yards, of course. Sidestroke 15 yards is one of my specialties, as is elementary backstroke 15. I’m kind of a competitor. No big deal.
Donut forget well wednesday money
from a 585 phone number, Saturday, September 24, 3:49 PM EST

I love that somewhere there is a phone that auto-corrects “don’t” with “donut.” Going forward, every time I’m about to say “don’t,” I’m just going to eat a donut instead.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

R u going to tiesto tonight
from a 978 phone number, Monday, September 19, 7:25 PM EST

Apparently Tiesto is a band. I guess they were playing a gig near where Leila lives. But I don't know, because I didn't go.
Hey wat r u doin tt rocks that field
from a 323 phone number, Saturday, September 17, 2:27 PM EST

Baseball, maybe? Is TT a baseball player? If so, does he "rock that field"?
Wheres the parts for ur vacuum?
from a 508 phone number, Saturday, September 17, 1:09 PM EST

Translation: "You asked me to housesit for you, and I accidentally spilled the entire contents of your spice rack onto your living room drag. But I don't really want to tell you that. Where's the parts for your vacuum?"