Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Hey there, all you Leila Texters, Leila Text readers, and Leilas. I wanted to let you know that I will be on vacation until New Years, with intermittent access to my phone and essentially no access to the Internet. So don't expect any blog updates over the next eight days. Instead, take this time to relax and connect with your family (a la 310). If you get bored of relaxing and connecting, you can always read the Leila Text archives. There are an awful lot of archives.

Happy Hannukah and merry Christmas. Hope to see you in 2009!
FWD: Fwd:Fwd: Met u az a stranga, took u az a frnd, hope we meet n heaven wher frndship neva endz. C how many REAL frndz snd dis bak
from a 404 phone number, Tuesday, December 23, 9:26 PM

In 404 and Leila's world, the uncoolest kid in school is the kid who insists on spelling everything right-- even words like "never" and "as"!
dads being a real big jackass were on our way im staying with you
from a 310 phone number, Tuesday, December 23, 7:01 PM

Nothing feels like the holiday season so much as texts like this one. Ah, festivities!
everything work out
from a 610 phone number, Tuesday, December 23, 3:40 PM

Was this meant to be reassuring? Like "everything will work out"? If so, then I would have embraced this text as a message from the heavens. As it stands, though, it reads more like a command. "Everything, work out!" I do not feel reassured.
Got a working phone- call me or send me a txt when you want to talk.
from a 504 phone number, Tuesday, December 23, 12:11 AM

Yeah, right. That'll never happen.
hey, i got the pics put on a flash drive. i can put them on a disc for you or you download them directly from the flash. :)
from a 510 phone number, Monday, December 22, 9:35 PM

I received this text just a few minutes after texting my friend Tony to ask how to send pictures to his iPhone. When I read this text, I was like, "This is oddly pertinent to my life... yet at the same time, useless."

Monday, December 22, 2008

Wazz Up

from a 310 phone number, Sunday, December 21, 3:23 PM
Eating leftovers from my Hannukah party; procrastinating on packing for my vacation; updating my blog. You know how it goes.
FWD: driver side door wont close part inside near handle broken. not safe 2 drive. love you. tang
from a 949 phone number, Sunday, December 21, 2:40 PM

For all the times I've written in this blog about how I wish I had a car, I will concede: Having a car is awesome, but having a BROKEN car really, really sucks.
Heya what time is the party tonight? My plus one bailed on me so there better be some cuties there :)
from a 409 phone number, Saturday, December 20, 7:15 PM

P.s. David is coming tonight so mum's the word about troy.
from a 409 phone number, Saturday, December 20, 8:23 PM

Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
FWD: FWD: Msg: You have 30 Min. to tell 10 people u love them, (includin me) or 2009 will be your worst year..So I LOVE U! GO!*
from an 812 phone number, Saturday, December 20, 5:35 PM

But what if Leila DOESN'T love 812? Does she have to lie and claim she does, just so 2009 won't be her worst year?

FWD: Msg: ONLY send this to the 10 prettiest GIRLS u know or u'll turn ugly in 6 yrs. If u get 3 back, Guess who? DANA
from a 719 phone number, Monday, December 22, 4:40 PM

At least Dana doesn't insist on receiving this back from Leila. Because Dana really might be only the seventh-prettiest girl that Leila knows. And Dana is just going to have to deal with that.
hey im going 2 my bball game in my FREEZING car
Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Saturday, December 20, 9:00 AM

u think ull make it home tonight? the roads are pretty f'd...just going to warn u.
from a 206 phone number, Sunday, December 21, 9:37 PM

In summary: It was cold and icy this weekend. In case you were unaware.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

do you want to come to my bday party 2morrow?
from an 808 phone number, Friday, December 19, 10:54 PM

It seems like 808 doesn't really want Leila there. I feel like if you really want someone at your party, you give them more than 24 hours' notice. It sounds to me like 808 doesn't have enough people coming so she's scrounging to fill in the space by inviting Leila at the last minute. Leila, be proud. Say no.
Hi this is brittanys girlfriend just thought id say hi elizy the baby said hi
from a 928 phone number, Friday, December 19, 1:53 PM

Wow, everyone's saying hi today! Brittany's girlfriend... babies... everyone!
Awake are you?
from an 828 phone number, Friday, December 19, 10:33 AM

Maintaining this blog requires a great deal of research:

me: who
s that dude in star wars
who phrases things backward
like, "jedi, are you?"
instead of, "are you a jedi?"
siffert: i'm not gonna lie, i have no idea what you meant by that
siffert: i could've laughed politely... but i'm pretty curious
you may wanna go to the door in 5 or so mins so people know im commin...
from an 804 phone number, Friday, December 19, 8:50 AM

But why spoil the surprise? I'm hoping that when 804 shows up, at 9 AM, it'll be like a big Christmas homecoming and everyone will be stunned and thrilled to see him there. Ideally he will be just returning from a stint in the army.
from a 626 phone number, Thursday, December 18, 10:01 PM

Whatcha doing?You're the best!
from a 626 phone number, Thursday, December 18, 11:51 PM

WHAT DID HE FONE OUT? You're leaving out all the best parts of this story.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

FWD: - Place of Ima is beautifully decorated. hm bound now. love you. tang
from a 949 phone number, Thursday, December 18, 9:09 PM

Intriguing use of the phrase "homebound" (or "hm bound," as it were). That's not something you hear often, but I like it. Also, do we think "Ima" here is being used as the Hebrew for mother? (See I know languages after all.)
Hi Leila , can you give me phone number the bartender with ponitail from yesterday? Thanks.
from a 718 phone number, Thursday, December 18, 6:13 PM

718, I admire your "go get 'em" attitude, but aren't you concerned that if the bartender with the ponitail didn't ask you for your number, it may be because he doesn't really want it?
Dear Santa, I don't want much this year but, I do want the person reading this text to be in my life forever
from a 951 phone number, Thursday, December 18, 12:15 AM

This reminds me of the Christmas wish-list hanging on the refrigerator of the child I was babysitting for earlier this week, which included a cat, a remote control car, a water pistol (which he promised not to shoot during the winter), a smaller wallet, the love of his family, and Pokemon.

Santa has a busy week ahead of him.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Did you still want your tamale and smoke i can sneak over 4 a min
from a 949 phone number, Tuesday, December 16, 5:59 PM

I think it's weird when people use "smoke" as a noun. As in, "Want to go grab a smoke?" Also, do we think tamales and cigarettes have complementary flavors? I don't smoke cigarettes, and I don't honestly know if I've ever eaten a tamale.
Mission accomplished, the text went well, I'm in!
from a 202 phone number, Tuesday, December 16, 10:48 AM

I'm hoping that 202 has a crush on some guy so for her first "move" she sent him a text message, and it "went well"-- maybe he responded to her in some encouraging way?-- so when she says "I'm in!" she means that she and her crush are going to go out on a date.

Currently accepting alternate explanations, if you've got any.
from a 626 phone number, Sunday, December 14, 12L49 PM

Yeah. You're hot. Send more hot pix.
now did u get it
from a 646 phone number, Sunday, December 14, 12:21 PM

If your question is if Leila received your text message now that you have sent it a second time, the answer is still "no."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

hi im busy
Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Saturday, December 13 8:54 PM

Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Sunday, December 14, 2:41 AM

Aaaaaaand it's NOT the last we heard from Oz3baA sh3rIFf, after all! Time to cry tears of relief/annoyance! Jesus, Oz3baA sh3rIFf, can't you take a hint? I might as well just change the name of this blog to The Oz3baA sh3rIF Texts and get it over with.
Do u need a ride?
Thursday, December 11, 6:44 PM

Yes! As always, I would love a ride anywhere if that means I don't need to take public transit. These texts from suburbia make me nostalgic for my car.
I am going to addisons til 530
from a 646 phone number, Thursday, December 11, 3:02 PM

Could be a friend's name. Could be a restaurant. Could be a store. Could be anywhere, really. "Addison's."
How d> friend party on friday in noho r u dwn. elsie's friends b day.booze ,dj, and moo....starts @10.
from an 818 number, Wednesday, December 10, 6:00 PM

I am always down for a party, friend, especially one involving booze and DJs. Not quite sure about moo. I looked it up on Urban Dictionary, but I can't imagine that 818 is asking Leila to come to Elsie's friend's party because there will be female breeders there.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

How s exam
from an 857 phone number, Tuesday, December 9, 2:20 PM

How are exams, ever? They suck.
hi i just set up voice chat on my cpu
Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Monday, December 8, 9:21 PM

Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Tuesday, December 9, 9:48 PM

After more than two weeks of these frequent, thoughtful texts from Oz3baA sh3rIFf, I am finally cutting her free. I just texted her the news that her texts are not reaching Leila and that she will need to re-send them by pulling Leila's name out of her contacts list and etc. etc. I know, I know, we were all loving the Oz3baA sh3rIFf run so much, we all felt like we were really getting somewhere, really beginning to reach an understanding of her relationship with Leila... But, I'm sorry, dear readers, we must move on. That is the way of the Leila Texts.

Of course, Oz3baA sh3rIFf could turn out to be one of those obstinate idiots who keeps texting me even after I've texted her back to tell her not to. This may yet not be the last we hear of Oz3baA sh3rIFf. STAY TUNED.
Good morning! BONITA
from a 602 phone number, Monday, December 8, 12:55 PM

You @ lunch
from a 602 phone number, Tuesday, December 9, 3:25 PM

I can't tell if BONITA is 602 telling Leila that she's pretty (which would be sweet), or if it's 602's sig line (which would be self-aggrandizing).
I miss you! There is a hawaiian family singing on the unit. It;s beautiful and reminded me of you. :-)
from a 510 phone number, Sunday, December 7, 9:09 PM

I need a new pic of maya!
from a 510 phone number, Sunday, December 7, 9:12 PM

"The unit"? Is that like old-person slang for "the TV" or "the radio"?

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Fwd:FWD: Fwd:Put it n ur mouth. Suck the hell out of it. Get the nut & spit it out. Gotta love sunflower seed
from a 419 phone number, Saturday, December 6, 9:12 PM

This is like the way dumber, way trashier, modern-day equivalent of "Just put your lips together and... blow." Remember the days when euphemisms had class?
me & fran r running late
from a 609 phone number, Saturday, December 6, 12:42 PM

If I had a dime every time for every time I've sent a text message saying that I'm "running late"... I'd be a very rich woman. But still a late one.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Hey you, are you going to church tonight?
from a 714 phone number, Wednesday, December 3, 4:45 PM

Are Wednesday evenings really a big church-going night? I never knew.
Do you want a cup of coffee?
from a 949 phone number, Wednesday, December 3, 4:24 PM

At 4:24 PM? Leila, you'd be up all night!
How r u feeling
from a 201 phone number, Wednesday, December 3m 4:39 AM

Pretty good, knock on wood. My roommate and Emily both have vicious colds, Kendra and Daphne both have stomach viruses, Joy spent the whole morning at the hospital, and Catherine is pregnant... but so far, fingers crossed, I am ailment-free. Thanks for your concern, 201.
we need respite for weds, sat, & mon nite. are u available any of these? tx mary kay
from a 319 phone number, Tuesday, December 2, 4:48 PM

Respite from what? Isn't a respite like a break, a reprieve? Maybe Mary Kay means respite care. That would explain why she's asking about availability. But this still leaves me with the question of: Who names their child Mary Kay? Hello. That is a make-up company.
Am home. All is well.
from a 303 phone number, Tuesday, December 2, 4:22 PM

Safely rest. God is nigh.
im on my way 2 the downstairs
Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Tuesday, December 2, 8:36 AM

im eating cheez-its right now at 11:35
Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Tuesday, December 2, 11:34 PM

Is 11:35 PM a normal or an abnormal time to eat Cheez-Its? 'Cause I kind of thought that was prime Cheez-It eating hour.

Also, does Oz3baA sh3rIFf never learn?
i am gonna kill baboon
from a 408 phone number, Monday, December 1, 11:08 PM

But would you miss baboon if it died tonight?
FWD: Yes or No? Would u miss me if i died tonight?No joke send to 10 ppl.If u brake this u will lose the 1 u love on dec 29th :-)
from a 719 phone number, Monday, December 1, 10:07 PM

How low is teenagers' self-esteem that it makes them feel better just to hear that their friends would miss them if they died tonight? They don't even need to hear that their friends like them all that much, merely that their friends would prefer that they are not dead. Hell, 719 I would miss you if you died tonight!

Equally as concerningly: Does this text follow its threat to kill the one that 1 I love with an emoticon smiley face?

Saturday, November 29, 2008

cara boat dive cancelled. wanna go from shore anyway?
from an 831 phone number, Friday, November 28, 7:09 PM

Cara is her last name, FYI. I determined this because I just found a Leila Cara on facebook from the 831 area code (which is, by the way, Santa Cruz, which explains why her friend is talking about boat dives and shores in November). I don't know what a "boat dive"is, exactly, though. Something that occurs in the ocean, probably.
esmiali bob loves cheese
from a 678 phone number, Friday, November 28, 9:35 AM

Well, sure-- who DOESN'T love cheese?
!espero que hoy fue un buen thanksgiving con comida, familia, y amigos! doy gracias para ti! con mucho amor, liss
from a 917 phone number, Thursday, November 27, 10:22 PM

"I hope that today was a good Thanksgiving with food, family, and friends! I give thanks for you! With much love, Liss."

SEE? I'm not as horrible at translating as you all had thought, now, am I? (Though I still cannot do Tagalog.)

Thursday, November 27, 2008

loved ur video. we all cried
from a 609 phone number, Thursday, November 27, 8:11 PM

I'm just picturing a family sitting around after a Thanksgiving meal, watching Leila's video and crying together. It sounds like a great family bonding event. And not at all like my family's holiday celebrations.
I am at gagas will be there at five thirty
from a 510 phone number, Thursday, November 27, 8:06 PM

Do you think 510 is coming from her grandmother's house, or from Lady Gaga's house? That's the thing about the Leila Texts: One can never say for sure.
from a 904 phone number, Thursday, November 27, 7:22 PM

Do you mean sumtime today? Because it is Thanksgiving, so there's not much in the way of concerts. If you means sumtime in the future, that's cool, but Leila may not be bored by then. There may be better ways to sell the benefits of your company than merely touting that it's a potential relief from boredom. Just a thought.
Happy T-Day!!!!
from a 214 phone number, Thursday, November 27, 3:30 PM

Yes, happy T-Day to you all. And I'd like to note: Thanksgiving is a popular day for misdirected text messages. It's felt like every time I sat down to eat a bite of turkey, my phone was buzzing again!
hoy sagutin mo telopono
from an 818 phone number, Thursday, November 27, 2:21 PM

You't think by now I'd be fluent in tagalog, but I'm not. Based on previous texts, though, I imagine this translates to something like, "Hey answer the phone." See, I do pay attention to your comments.
Chris wants to know he brought christopher a size 12 suit do u thgnk it will fit him
from a 215 phone number, Wednesday, November 26, 12:05 PM

I know what a size 12 means in women's sizing, but I have no idea when it comes to men's suits. If Christopher fits into a size 12 suit, would that mean he was really fat or really skinny or neither or what? All you dudes out there: Enlighten me.
im so bored
Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Tuesday, November 25, 8:27 PM

Maybe you should try jazzing up your text sig line a little more. Maybe that'd be a good way to pass the time.
FWD: It's almost Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for having u in my life. Send this to everybody u r thankful for... i hope i get this back from you
from a 281 phone number, Tuesday, November 25, 6:11 PM

Happy Thanksgiving, Leila Texters! I hope you all have much to be thankful for.
hi mama! did u sign up at boulevard yet? carol said she may open another class on tus
from an 818 phone number, Tuesday, November 25, 5:54 PM

I wonder what kind of classes Boulevard offers. 818 is SoCal, if any of you Internet detectives out there want to look into this.
Good morning hot tamale....sorry 2 b buggin but i c mold on mi weede's is that ok or shold i open it & let is breath!
from an 818 phone number, Monday, November 24, 1:45 PM

Sorry, is this actually a text asking Leila how to preserve your marijuana? Is there some alternate meaning of "weede's" that I'm missing>

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

yoyoyo whaz up home slice
Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Sunday, November 23, 6:34 PM

waz up my young hizzle friend?
Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Monday, November 24, 10:13 PM

According to Urban Dictionary, "hizzle" means "house." But "waz up my young house friend" sounds like a 55-year-old trying to get down the "kid lingo" and failing utterly.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I found out who likes me and i will only tell if u txt back so txt back plz
Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Saturday, November 22, 10:34 PM

hey hey hey yalls just watched bolt
Oz3baA sh3rIFf

from a 703 phone number, Sunday, November 23, 11:48 AM

Nope, sorry, not worth it. If you found out who likes ME, maybe I would be curious enough to text you back. But just to hear who likes YOU? I'm far too self-absorbed for that.

Also, I'm pretty adept at reading l337, but I can't make sense out of this sig line. Ozebaa Sheriff? Is that a name? A type of law-enforcement official?
hey havent seen ya in 4evea
from an 859 phone number, Saturday, November 22, 10:36 PM

Have you ever considered that perhaps you haven't seen Leila in 4evea because she has not been receiving your text messages? Think it over.
i am going to see twighlight tonight!
from a 323 phone number, Saturday, November 22, 7:58PM

I hope you pre-purchased tickets, 323, because that shit has been as sold-out as an alt-rock band that formerly had 'cred' but now opens for Nickelback in stadiums in Jersey.
Caj killed us walking back now
from a 510 phone number, Saturday, November 22, 7:07 PM

Potentially the first Leila Text from a ghost.
FWD: R we nuts?

from a 609 phone number, Saturday, November 22, 12:30 PM

I don't know, Roni. Is it nuts to live your dreams? Then, yes, we r nuts, but, hell, I'd be nuts any day.

Friday, November 21, 2008

what the hell are you doing. leila
from a 763 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 9:18 PM

This sounded pretty angry, and I figured maybe I could stave off some of the anger by replying. So I sent my standard Leila Text reply, which I don't send to everything, just the ones that I think especially demand an answer, and then only when I have the time. My standard reply, in case you were wondeirng, is something like, "Sorry your text came to me instead of Leila. Please text her again by pulling her name out of your contacts list. Do not type it in."

A few minutes after I sent this explanatory text, I received this response:

who is this and sorry for the messege
from a 763 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 10:11 PM

I was like, cool, problem solved, it's kind of this person to apologize. I didn't text back-- why would I? What more do 763 and I have to say to each other?

Loads, apparently.

WHO IS this. you dont have to say but what did the meseege say please tell me it can be personal.
from a 763 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 10:45 PM

"What did the meseege say"? Uh, what do you THINK it said? Check your outbox and see what you tried to text to Leila earlier. That's what it said.

This was a dumb question, and I was out with my friend Becca, and I don't like being spoken to in capital letters by strangers. I still didn't reply. A few minutes later...

is this a person of computer.
from a 763 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 10:52 PM

A computer? Kid, what is your concept of how technology works?

Finally, I found a lull in Becca and my conversation and called 763. (Which, frankly, is what 763 should have done herself. When text messages are not getting the response you want, CALLING is an excellent back-up. Not to sound retro or anything.)

763 sounded very, very slow. I reiterated what I had said in my text message, like thirty seconds passed, and then 763 said, "Oh."

I was like, "Yeah, so, are we done here?"

Another thirty second passed because 763 asked me, "What did the text say?"

For Christ's sake. "It asked Leila what she was doing. No big deal." I left out the "hell" part of 763's original text. I don't know why. I guess I thought that was the "personal" part.

763 said, "Oh."

I said, "I'm hanging up now."

I hung up. Becca said, "I can't believe I just witnessed the Leila Texts IN ACTION."

Nothing but fun and games when you go out with me on a Thursday evening, as I'm sure this posting demonstrates.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

FWD: Why do U of U fans store their diploma on their windshield?

So that they can park in handicapped parking.

from a 661 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 7:10 PM

It's refreshing to see a chain text like this that's NOT about President-elect Obama.
DANG ur fine! Cute ass smile, bangin body, Sexy as ever! Why u smiling? This was sent 2 me, im just lettin u read it! HAHAHA
from a 727 phone number, Thursday, November 20, 3:46 PM

And now, dear reader, I am letting YOU read it, too. Spreading the love/lust.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

leila u rule
from a 970 phone number, Wednesday, November 19, 12:34 AM

I almost didn't post this text here because I was so convinced it was for me, but, like, I guess it's possible that some other Leila out there rules, too.
So Peter really needs to get his powers back.
from a 425 phone number, Wednesday, November 19, 12:32 AM

I have decided this is a text about Heroes. I don't watch Heroes, but, on the basis of this text, I now feel perfectly comfortable slipping into conversation, "Heroes would be a way better show if only Pete would get his powers back." Yes? All your Heroes-watchers out there, want to engage in conversation with me?
Tu ma se viene con lety
from a 909 phone number, Tuesday, November 18, 2:27 PM

"Your something comes with something."

Jesus Christ, the UN should hire me as a translator or something.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Hey does ur mobile im cost u anything
from an 847 phone number, Monday, November 17, 7:55 PM

Probably. There's not much free in the way of phones. Except for the joy a Leila Text brings. That's priceless.
Please bring our lettuce for our seafood salad thanks see you in an hour
from a 510 phone number, Sunday, November 16, 8:25 PM

Ew I hate seafood salads. But I do love dinner parties!
hey whats up is anyone there yet?
from a 310 phone number, Sunday, November 16, 6:58 PM

Maybe like Leila is throwing a party and 310 doesn't want to be the first guest there so she's trying to figure out who else has already arrived? Only... who throws parties on Sunday evenings?

Oh, that reminds me-- I'm trying to schedule a winter cocktail party and am having a hell of a time of it. If one of your friends invited you to a Thursday night cocktail party, would you go? Is Thursday, as I was informed today, indeed the new Friday?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

on the way
from a 912 phone number, Saturday, November 15, 3:03 AM

At 3:03 AM? Goodness, where were on your way to at 3:03 AM? (Not that I'm faulting you-- I was on my way to a bar at 3:03 AM, so it makes total sense to me.)
hoy sasagutin mo ba ang fone?
from an 818 phone number, Friday, November 14, 10:50 PM

All right, translators. Go to it. You were so good with the Serbian ninja that I know you can figure out this one, too. The first word could be Spanish, but the rest is definitely not...
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd:Fwd: Why do men like to be on bottom during sex?...Because they ONLY know how to FUCK UP!..keep this going ladies!
from a 562 phone number, Thursday, November 13, 10:11 PM

Sorry, this doesn't make too much logical sense. If 562 were saying that men could only be on the bottom duing sex, then her conclusion that it's because they "ONLY" know how to fuck up would make sense. As it stands, she just tells us that men like to be on the bottom, which would imply, at best, that they LIKE to fuck up. A statement of somewhat less power than the current claim.

Anyway, that's obviously just me, as, based on the number of "FWD"s, at least seven ladies found this funny or true enough to share with their friends (or with strangers named Leila).
hey i have your comp book still...
from a 626 phone number, Thursday, November 13, 8:43 PM

Honestly, you can keep it. Who wants to do computer homework this weekend, anyway. (Other than my friend Jason, who always wants to do computer homework. Hey, Jason. What up.)
what time do you want to be picked up
from a 508 phone number, Thursday, November 13, 2:31 PM

Man, I wish I or anyone I knew in this city owned a car.
FWD: Lets see if this works! I'm trusting you! I sent an angel to take care of u! Give her to 9 friends including me.u will have good news in 2 hrs
from a 425 phone number, Wednesday, November 12, 9:53 PM

I'm impressed that 425 is in charge of choosing whom angels protect. You see? I get text messages from some really influential individuals!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

No opera for me this weekend. i really have to buckle down and get some homework done. I let nadia know. Thanks for thinking of me
from a 248 phone number, Wednesday, November 12, 10:19 AM

Come on. You didn't really want to go to the opera, did you. I can tell. If you really wanted to go to the opera, you would buckle down tonight and tomorrow night and Friday night and get your homework done THEN. It's okay; you're allowed not to embrace high culture.
from a 508 phone number, Tuesday, November 11, 4:22 AM

I'm actually surprised this isn't from my best friend Alli. Well, actually, Alli is never awake at 4:22 AM. But she would totally say this to me. I wonder if this Intended Leila has a best friend just like my best friend Alli? I wonder if they are leading parallel lives to us?
So all good where will you sleep tonight lets talk tomorrow i am tired good night
from a 510 phone number, Monday, November 10, 12:41 AM

510 has still not learned to punctuate. As reader Ali pointed out, "Never underestimate the important of punctuation."
FWD: FWD:FWD: Fwd:Alert* Statue of liberty is coming down today! Aunt Jamima going up in her place holding a chicken leg.....
from a 562 phone number, Saturday, November 8, 11:35 PM

In the week since Barack Obama was elected President, I have received a number of racist text messages. More than I've ever received on any one topic, in fact. This one is not the worst of them. I'm actually not posting the worst ones because, while I think documenting every text I receive is valuable for providing a complete picture of what people say to their Leilas, I worry that readers will misunderstand and think that I'm condoning the ideas that I post. You have to remember that I post texts to this blog not because I think they're funny or admirable or (in this instance) despicable, but simply because they are what I receive. I've never before left text off my blog because I disagree with them-- I try to be a somewhat unbiased transcriber in that way-- but, frankly, some messages just don't deserve to be repeated.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

carlson have you evered added a banana to brownie mix and if so did you like it?

from an 865 phone number, Saturday, November 8, 10:18 PM

This sounds like an amazing recipe. I don't use brownie mixes, but maybe I should add a banana to my batter the next time I bake brownies? Have any of you readers ever tried this? What did you think? Maybe I should turn TheLeilaTexts into a recipe blog inseatd of a text message blog.
So where are you packing day give me a call when you can
from a 510 phone number, Saturday, November 8, 2:45 PM

I have no witty commentary because I do not understand this text. If 510 meant to ask "Where are you packing today," then wouldn't the answer just be, "I'm packing at the place where all my stuff is"? Maybe I'm not a good enough free-association thinker.
I talked to mom this am. Said her hemoglobin was low. might have to transfus. Is she okay? Did the?
from a 602 phone number, Friday, November 7, 6:29 PM

From this woman again. Our thoughts continue to go out to you and your mother. My thoughts also wonder is predictive texting knows the word "hemoglobin." I wish there were a way to upload a medical dictionary to my Samsung.
We need to talk tonight
from a 703 phone number, Friday, November 7, 11:24 AM

Context is everything. This could be "We need to talk tonight-- I haven't heard from you in DAYS, and gosh we have so much to catch up on! omg!" Or it would be, "We need to talk tonight: our relationship is a farce." Or, "We need to talk tonight, very seriously, about your grades-- young lady, you are grounded." Context. Is. Everything.
from a 469 phone number, Thursday, November 6, 7:15 PM

I would bet good money this was sent in response to the question "What movie theater are we going to tonight?" Not a LOT of good money, what with this economy and all. But definitely something.
We can go grocery shopping today at like 8 if u want. i am going to walgreens for drugs.
from a 908 phone number, Thursday, November 6, 5:10 PM

I'm not entirely cleat what the second sentence means for the first one (like, we can go grocery shopping, but we won't need to buy drugs at the grocery store, since I will already have bought them at Walgreens?). I guess it doesn't really matter.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Fwd: Your TRUE love or Ex will realize how much they want you & something good will happen at 9:45 tonight if you send 2 ten ppl! <3
from an 815 phone number, Wednesday, November 5, 9:57 PM

Um. I received this at least 12 minutes too late. It's too bad; it's always nice when good things happen.

Also: I'd rather my TRUE love realizes how much he wants me, rather than my Ex. That just seems like it would be far more useful. I mean, an Ex wanting you is gratifying, but not really s life-altering as finding TRUE love, am I right? Am I being a silly romantic about this?
just talked to mom. sounds good. people were there giving her pills & dinner, soft boiled egg and yogurt. said all surprised at how well she did. so glad!
from a 602 phone number, Wednesday, November 5, 7:14 PM

It's tough when your mother goes through surgery, particularly when you're not there with her. But at least 602 has his/her sister Leila to share this with, and to provide moral support. (At least, 602 would have Leila's moral support, if Leila ever saw this text message.)
from a 516 phone number, Wednesday, November 5, 8:49 PM

This text, meanwhile, raises no such uncertainties. Definitely racist. Seriously, people? Some of you do not deserve to own cell phones. 516 is New York state, proving that there are idiots everywhere.
FWD: FWD: Early voting has Obama in the lead but that will change when white people get out of work.
from a 724 phone number, Tuesday, November 4, 4:42 PM

It's not clear to me whether 724 thought this was a GOOD thing or a BAD thing. Was he exhorting Leila to go out and vote for Obama because, while it seemed like he was winning at the tim, he would not be able to keep that lead for much longer? Or was 724 telling Leila not to worry; while it seemed like Obama was ahead, really, he would start to lose soon and it would all be okay? I'm inclined to think the latter, just because the phrase "when white people get out of work" might imply that 724 thinks black people don't work, they just sit around watching TV and voting all day. I don't know. Is this text racist or not?
kako je
from a 440 phone number, Monday, November 3, 9:52 PM

Potentially related to this, which is in incredibly fucked-up youtube video that appears to be in Polish but could equally well be in some other language entirely. You should watch this video, but I warn you that it contains no context clues about what "kako je" is.
from a 503 phone number, Monday, November 3, 7:07 PM

from a 612 phone number, Wednesday, November 5, 8:23 PM

We are very into one-word texts this week.
the 9th period magiger was suckifull. dont you agree. theonly good thing about it is that i sit next to molly and hayly is near by. wat are you doing
from a 914 phone number, Monday, November 3, 5:15 PM

Whoa, I have two friends who are roommates who are named Molly and Hallie. Coincidence? DOUBT IT.

Also, I don't know what a magiger is, but I love th word "suckifull" as of right now.
I just want to say I wuv u!
from a 704 phone number, Monday, November 3, 7:52 AM

Saying the "L" word is hard. Fortunately, the "W" word is an easy out.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

from a 704 phone number, Tuesday, November 4, 8:17 AM

Seriously, guys. 704 knows what's up. Do it.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Tell kiki that the football sheets r on the dresser an so is the money K!@nn@...get it straight!!!
from a 706 phone number, Sunday, November 2, 11:32 AM

I feel like this would be a good opportunity for me to steal some money and some football sheets (assuming I wanted both those things). I already know they're on the dresser, so once I figure out what house, city, and state this dresser is in, I should be IN THE MONEY.
FWD: Dear God, The lady reading this is beautiful and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Send to ten females u love. Even Me

from an 818 phone number, Sunday, November 2, 1:50 AM

Dear God, not this text forward again! I do find it interesting how the wording changes slightly the different times that I received it. I wonder who decided to write "u" this time around. I wonder who decided to spell "females" properly. I'd like to track forwards as they make their rounds to see how they evolve. That is, I'd like that if I didn't have anything else to do.
hey leila whats up ashley and bianka slept over and neither are awake yet
from a 602 phone number, Saturday, November 1, 12:05 PM

I envy Ashley and Bianka. I was awake at 12:05 PM yesterday... but I seriously wish I hadn't been.

Man I love sleeping. More than Ashley and Bianka COMBINED, I bet.
Heyyy how much candy did u get this year
from a 516 phone number, Saturday, November 1, 8:55 AM

Surprisingly the only Halloween-related text I received this year. Well, the only Halloween-related Leila Text. I also got one from my roommate, but she was actually trying to reach me, so it doesn't count.
you smell
from a 763 phone number, Friday, October 31, 4:16 PM

I love when eight-year-old boys try to flirt with me.
Hey were meeting at 830. Now sure where yet. Any ideas?
from a 734 phone number, Thursday, October 30, 6:06 PM

Well nobody is answering me so i dunno whats goin on
from a 734 phone umber, Thursday, October 30, 7:11 PM

Who bought the t bell? my drunkass forgot to give anyone money
from a 734 phone number, Saturday, November 1, 12:18 PM

Well, I guess managed to meet up with her friends eventually-- even though none of them were answering her (because none of her texts were reaching them). I mean, she must have met up with them for long enough to be drunk and do something with a t bell (?) without paying anyone for it. Sounds like a successful night out.
For bloody serious, I don't understand the pro prop 8 wankers. It isn't going to effect you. Vote no, you arses. I would if I could vote. Fucking yanks.
from a 650 phone number, Wednesday, October 29, 3:10 AM

Well put, 650. And don't worry, we fucking yanks have the same response to congestion charging.

Actually, just kidding, no, we don't. We don't pay attention to other countries' domestic policies.

Anyway, allow me to use this text as a jumping-off point to remind you all to VOTE on Tuesday. I'm sure you've been inundated with reminders, but this time I, personally, am cajoling you. It matters to me, the default Verizon Leila. Don't let me down.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

smith FWD: : Silent prayer for Jennifer Hudsons family.. If you have a heart keep this going.
from an 860 phone number, Tuesday, October 28, 11:15 AM

This text was actually how I found out about the tragedy that has befallen Jennifer Hudson's family. After I received this message, I immediately went to Yahoo!News to find out what was up, on the (correct) assumption that, if there was news about a past American Idol contender, Yahoo! definitely have an article about it. Sadly, the same cannot always be said for the New York Times.
Drinking non alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin,,sure it taste the same but its just wrong. Keep it going!
from a 605 phone number, Monday, October 27, 9:32 PM

What concerns me most about this text is that this is not the first time I have received it.
Im still in a meeting in philadelphia i should be home tonight
from a 908 phone number, Monday, October 27, 2:15 PM

908 is Central New Jersey, which isn't ridiculously far to have to travel after a meeting in Philadelphia... but it's far enough that I, for one, would not be thrilled about the commute.
i hav 2 ipods now. hahaha!
from a 703 phone number, Sunday, October 26, 7:10 PM

This reminds me of a conversation I once witnessed on the subway, in which this guy pulled out his iPod, and his girlfriend said admiringly, "Oh my God, how many iPods do you have?"

And he shrugged in a pleased, chill way, and replied, "Dunno. Like eight or nine, maybe."

And she was like, "Wow."

And I was like, "Lady, does it bother you that your boyfriend is quite probably a thief?"
Call me cell wanna in to a small play tonigh eight in the city
from a 510 phone number, Saturday, October 25, 6:11 PM

510 must assume that Leila likes him a lot since he provides no information about the play other than that 1) it is small, 2) it is in the city, 3) presumably he will be there. This play could totally blow, for all the detail he has provided. I wouldn't go. (Unless 510 was like really hot.)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

What r u doing
from a 602 phone number, Saturday, October 25, 1:06 AM

He Put you through hell. if u need sex pick me..
from a 602 phone number, Saturday, October 25, 2:04 AM

I lost all respect 4 you. sorry u have fun
from a 602 phone number, Saturday, October 25, 3:19 AM

I don't see how you can accuse some other guy of putting Leila through hell when you're the one telling her you lost all respect 4 her. It sounds like Leila is just getting emotional abuse from all sides. Plus, does it appear to anyone else like 602 lost all respect 4 Leila just because she didn't pick him for sex? What a baby.

Friday, October 24, 2008

FWD:FW: Msg: Dear God, The lady reading this is beautiful and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Send to 10 femals, even
from a 314 phone number, Wednesday, October 22, 10:48 PM

I wonder how God feels when he reads text messages like this one.
We just got back!
from a 609 phone number, Wednesday, October 22, 3:51 PM

my love M so horny and i cant stop thinking about you
from a 609 phone number, Thursday, October 23, 9:25 AM

ahahahahaha and the winner of "Best Text of the Week" goes to....
Im proud of u parisa told me about your paper
from a 703 phone number, Monday, October 20, 9:21 PM

I love texts where people tell Leilas that they're proud of them. This restores my faith in humanity (and texting).
hey i had so much fun saturday night! u will def have to come with us again! did u get chino's socks back?
from a 256 phone number, Monday, October 20, 4:56 PM

Remember on the OC, how some of the douchebag jocks used to refer to Ryan as "Chino"? I really hope this text is a reference to Ryan Atwood.
Where r u now? Txt me.
from a 951 phone number, Sunday, October 19, 11:17 PM

What us our plan today? Later this pm? Pls call me.
from a 951 phone number, Monday, October 20, 9:51 AM

Are u coming to rc? Pls call.
from a 951 phone number, Monday, October 20, 8:59 PM

951, I find you just a little too concerned with the minute details of Leila's life plan. It's kinda overbearing.
Hi. How are you?
from a 248 phone number, Sunday, October 19, 9:51 PM

Fine. Ready for a nap, mostly.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Its jas. We go old bay. PLS BE THERE.
from a 973 phone number, Saturday, October 18, 10:09 PM

Probably the Old Bay Restaurant in New Brunswick, NJ ("Where Every Day is Mardi Gras"). I believe 973 is NJ. Right, Leslie?
Coffee in the morning i an tired and going to sleep let me know
from a 510 phone number, Saturday, October 18, 1:38 AM

The problem here is that, if 510 is going to sleep, she won't know if Leila wants to do coffee in the morning until it already is the morning. So that could have a real impact on when 510 wakes up. Like, if Leila doesn't want to do coffee in the morning, there's no sense in waking up at 9 AM on a Saturday (when you're not even going to sleep until 1:38 AM). Unless 510 wakes up at like 4 AM to check her text messages, she has a real problem on her hands.
hey guys its kenz c im using my back up fone til my fone is fixed tomorrow
from a 703 phone number, Friday, October 17, 10:14 PM

I don't have a backup phone. Should I? Kenz makes it sound like something that everyone has, obviously. Am I a luddite, after all?
FWD: Hey jane, it's allie. Study group for econ at the motley if youre interested.
from a 603 phone number, Tuesday, October 14, 9:11 PM

I think Jane, Allie, and Leila go to Scripps. Because obviously they're in college, and Scripps is the first college that comes up on Google that has a place called "The Motley." That's my sleuthing work for you.
Hey wat up
from a 310 phone number, Tuesday, October 14, 8:16 PM

Lying around in bed, feeling nauseous, procrastinating on taking out my air conditioner (yes, I know it's October). Wat up with you, 310?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

wana beach it? ur probably at work.
from a 619 phone number, Monday, October 13, 6:34 PM

let me know if u feel like getting out.
from a 619 phone number, Monday, October 13, 10:42 PM

At 6:34 PM on a Monday in October, I pretty much ALWAYS feel like beaching it. And I pretty much NEVER actually do so.
Do you want me to make you some thing out of paper mache?
from an 815 phone number, Monday, October 13, 3:21 PM

Hi...hows it hanging?
from an 815 phone number, Tuesday, October 14, 8:23 PM

from an 815 phone number, Wednesday, October 15, 8:45 AM

See, one per day is a more appropriate texting frequency. Let this be a lesson to you, 360. And, yes, 815, I would love if you would make me something out of papier mache. A castle would be ideal, thank you.
Hey ugky
from a 360 phone number, Tuesday, October 14, 10:21 PM

Hey ugly, jay says hi
from a 360 phone number, Wednesday, October 15, 1:14 PM

Hey what class r u in now?
from a 360 phone number, Wednesday, October 15, 2:26 PM

Can u give me tiffanys numbes please
from a 360 phone number, Wednesday, October 15, 2:30 PM

Hey r u at lunch
from a 360 phone number, Wednesday, October 15, 3:59 PM

Hey did u get out of schull already?
from a 360 phone number, Wednesday, October 15, 5:12 PM

Over the past 24 hours, 360 learned how to type "ugly" correctly, and I nearly threw my phone out the window. Can you please be a little more selective in what you text Leila, 360? The sheer quantity is exhausting.

Monday, October 13, 2008

your a nimrod
from a 360 phone number, Sunday, October 12, 5:24 PM

Now it's 360's turn. Reclaiming the word for nimrods everywhere. Right on, 360. This has been a weekend of reclaiming.
Did gordon finish the ace
from an 843 phone number, Saturday, October 11, 10:25 PM

Maybe 843 meant "the race"? A race is a thing that someone may or may not finish.
Yeah yea yea
from an 843 phone number, Saturday, October 11, 3:55 PM

She loves you
Yeah, yea, yea
And with a love like that
You know you should be glad.
FWD: FW:Msg::Fwd:FWD:FWD: See wat ppl wnt from u! 1=a baby 2=anotha chance 3=love 4=kiss 5=friendship foreva 6=sex 7=lap dance 8=date 9=hug
from a 404 phone number, Saturday, October 11, 3:15 PM

First of all, this is the randomest list EVER of things to want from someone. I mean, "lap dance"? What is that doing in here?

Furthermore, I think the way this is supposed to work is that everyone to whom you forward this texts you back with a number. But at the point where they're doing that, can't they text you back with an actual word? Isn't it as easy (and more accurate) to send a text asking, "What do you want from me?" thus leaving them the open-ended opportunity to text back, "The book I loaned you," or, "Your rosy complexion," or "A baby"?

I guess it's not okay to send someone a text message saying, "I want you to give me a lap dance," but it's totally fine to send them a text message saying, "7."
Hi bitch!
from an 832 phone number, Saturday, October 11, 12:27 AM

832 is 'reclaiming' the word from its negative connotations. Way to stand up for womyn, 832.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Breakfast tomorrow or sunday? yummy
from a 248 phone number, Friday, October 10, 8:25 AM

Ideally one should never be awake early enough on weekend to have "breakfast." Your first meal on a Saturday or Sunday should be "brunch." However, 248 was texting at 8:25 AM, so she is obviously a habitual early riser.
hey. sent u an email. call me or write back!
from a 619 phone number, Friday, October 10, 2:55 AM

Mmmmm no. This directive contradicts a commonly held truth: that you should respond to communications in the same medium in which they were received. If someone texts you, text them back. Don't call. If someone IMs you, IM them back. Don't email. And, for lord's sake, if someone emails you, don't call or write them back. Everybody knows.
gracies been sick all afternoon she might feel better in the morning sher has ran a fever since i got home
from a 256 phone number, Thursday, October, 9, 10:59 PM

Poor Gracie! Yesterday was like the day of depressing texts. Love and prayer to Gracie, too, okay?
I'm at work i'll call you when i get off. I'm sending you lots of love and prayers.
from a 510 phone number, Thursday, October 9, 3:36 PM

This sounds like a bad situation. I don't know what I'm praying for, 510, but, if I did, I'd send you lots of love and prayers, too.
Dang it, I guess me whole Sylar/Claire theory is shot.
from a 425 phone number, Thursday, October 9, 7:58 PM

A Heroes reference. I don't watch Heroes enough to get it. My best friend Alli does, but I don't think my best friend Alli reads this blog.

Monday, October 6, 2008

mire FWD: FWD:FWD: FWD: FWD: THe person u are meant to be with will txt u at 11:07 but if you dnt snd this to ten ppl then u will lose that person.
from an 865 phone number, Monday, October 6, 6:34 PM

Question: If I don't snd this to ten ppl (and, let's be frank, I'm not going to), will the person I am meant to be with still txt me at 11:07, and then I'll just lose him/her at some unspecified later date? Or will S/he not even txt me in the first place if I don't forward this ten times? I know these seem like insignificant details, but truly they make all the difference.
I aM In st louis Jake had a huge party at Home. john is furious & wont let lilly go to homecoming Tomorrow
from a 913 phone number, Saturday, October 4, 1:30 AM

It is my unique cross that I alone must bear to receive text messages at 1:30 on a Saturday night, and to hope that they are, perhaps, from a cute guy harboring a crush on me, only to discover that they are actually about a huge party and a Homecoming that I was not invited to. It's a long way down from my dreams to my reality.
Did u register 2 vote yet
from an 814 phone number, Friday, October 3, 8:08 PM

YEAH. DID YOU? Look, I know it seems all played out this election year, like yadda yadda yadda with the civic responsibility and whatnot, but SERIOUSLY IF YOU DON'T VOTE IN NOVEMBER I WILL MESS YOU UP. (This, of course, applies only to my American readers. The rest of you are off the hook.... FOR NOW.)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

hey this is lisa w i was wondering if you or bianca could lay out my lil stuff for today or should ask someone in the house? i have class all day
from a 661 phone number, Wednesday, October 1, 2:51 PM

Lisa W. is probably in college, because younger students don't need to specify that they "have class all day," while older people don't have class at all. I'm going to further assume that Lisa is in a sorority. Thus, when she says "the house," she means "the sorority house," and when she says "my lil stuff," maybe she means "the stuff for my little sister."

Clare, Leslie, readers who used to be in sororities: Please confirm or deny my speculations.
hi how is Neve I cant find you
from a 650 phone number, Tuesday, September 30, 5:50 PM

I can't find you, either. It might help if you told me your name.
tell steve if hes don for the pizza hut buffet

from a 562 phone number, Tuesday, September 30, 2:19 PM

Look, I don't want to foist my bourgeois tastes on Lou, Steve, and Leila, but: A Pizza Hut buffet? Really? I am all for pizza buffets, but why not Pizzeria Uno, guys? Why not CPK? Can you honestly not do any better than Pizza Hut? Have you even tried?
Hey wat up fool what are you going to be for halloween

from an 808 phone number, Sunday, September 28, 9:29 PM

This from the same girl who wanted Leila to play outside last week. This text makes me anxious. Am I really supposed to already know what I'm going to be for Halloween? Does Keely know? Does her Intended Leila? Am I so far behind the times? Have all the good costume ideas been taken already? I work myself into a panic.
.shuuu we surprising france
from a 201 phone number, Saturday, September 27, 2:12 PM

Maybe about a sporting event? Usually when "we" are doing something to another country (in this case, surprising it), it's either on the sports field or on the battlefield. And we're not at war with France. So far as I know.
Test. Does this message come through?
from a 605 phone number, Friday, September 26, 10:43 PM

Potentially for me. Potentially for some other Leila. Just in case, I texted back, "No." I didn't get a response, though, so this text's purpose remains an enigma.
heiii conisss
from a 973 phone number, Friday, September 26, 12:45 PM

Is 'Conisss' a person's name? Is 'Conis' a person's name? Specllcheck doesn't recognize either one.
wats up
from a 703 phone number, Thursday, September 25, 4:11 PM

Looking for a new roommate, changing lightbulbs in my apartment (potential roommates really don't want to live in the dark, I have found), listening to Robyn, updating my blog... truly awesome times. Wats up with you, 703?
FWD: Fwd:FWD: - Fwd: - Fwd: FW:Msg:: 2morrow is national kiss day every guy must kiss a girl forward to ten people or you wont get a kiss
from a 925 phone number, Wednesday, September 24, 11:31 PM

I'm just picturing a scene in which some guy leans in to kiss a girl, and she shoves him away, screeching, "Ew! What are you doing that for? Did you think I was at all interested in you?" And he's like, "No, of course not. But I have to kiss you! It's National Kiss Day! Every guy must kiss a girl. It's in the rules!" This is like next-level peer pressure.
Given that "Leila" means "night" in Hebrew, I have received surprisingly few "Happy new year" texts over the past two days. Sad. Anyway, allow me to wish all of you out there a happy new year.
Now, turning our attention to other happy matters:

FWD: FWD: FWD:Msg: K this is Scary its called MindReader send it to 10ppl (not me) then go 2 ur inbox press * and it will show ur true luvs last name
from a 714 phone number, Wednesday, September 24, 8:08 PM

I really really don't believe this works because, like, HOW COULD IT?-- but at the same time I want to try it because what if it did? That would be even more magical than getting text messages from strangers. Cell phones are truly the Ouija boards of the future.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

milton is off to a good start. mrs.B has some tanya mannerisms (smile).
from a 914 phone number, Wednesday, September 24, 11:02 AM

I wonder what counts as Tanya mannerisms. They sound like they're good mannerisms to have, just based on that (smile), but for all I know this text is mocking Tanya and Mrs. B.
Hi leila! Ok, stu never called but i guess when he left me a msg he just meant that if he can make it he'll just show up. Aleks
from a 631 phone number, Tuesday, September 23, 6:47 PM

It sounds like Stu's probably not coming, Aleks. I'm sorry to break it to you, but this all sounds pretty noncommittal on his part.
Hey sup can you play outside and get Me *Keely*;-)
from an 808 phone number, Tuesday, September 23, 4:42 AM

How are you what are you doing

from an 808 phone number, Tuesday, September 23, 4:42 AM

Something here doesn't seem quite right to me. 808 is Hawaii, so I understand that, even though I received these texts at 4:42 AM, it was really only 10:42 PM on Monday night where Leila and Keely live. However. 10:42 is still pretty late on a weeknight, and these girls must be relatively young, in that Keely still uses the phrase "play outside." Does your mom know you're going to play outside, Keely?
So what is star tipping?
from an 814 phone number, Saturday, September 20, 10:23 PM

I hope it's like cow tipping. Only... for stars.
This lady & her daughter next to me keep talking & their breath is screaming!
from a 314 phone number, Saturday, September 20, 2:45 PM

How awkward would it have been if the lady and her daughter had glanced over and seen what 314 was texting about them?! So awkward. And isn't it kind of weird that BOTH the lady AND her daughter had such bad breath? Is halitosis genetic?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

hi babycomoestas
from a 516 phone number, Saturday, September 20, 12:20 AM

At last! After almost a year and a half of Leila Texting, my Spanish vocabulary finally comes in handy! "Hi baby," this text begins. "How are you?"

r u comin to cover girls????
from an 859 phone number, Friday, September 19, 6:32 PM

As a Friday evening text, this sounds to me like "Cover Girls" is some sort of club or bar? Maybe it's a band (a cover band, perhaps)? 859 is in Kentucky, but a little light-hearted googling didn't immediately reveal anything. You're welcome to adopt this one as your own Research Project.
Why doesnt he do something fun
from a 347 phone number, Friday, September 19, 5:27 PM

Yeah, why doesn't he? Is a he depressed? Punishing himself? Has he lost all sense of what 'fun' means? Say what you will about me, but rarely has anyone ever commented, "Why doesn't Leila do something fun?"
What day does your phone say
from an 814 phone number, Friday, September 19 12:35 PM

You know, there are probably easier ways to figure out what the date is than texting your friend Leila.

Monday, September 15, 2008

CELL What are your plans child ???
from a 502 phone number

I don't know that I have ever non-ironically called someone "child" to their face. Maybe that's just because I'm 24. There will be time enough for calling people "child" once I am more obviously not one myself.
good morning princesa
from a 508 phone number

maybe you teacher me better
from a 508 phone number

what you whant
live me alone

from a 508 phone number

hahahahahahaha San
from a 508 phone number

This is a series of text messages that could be greatly clarified by times. I received them all in a row, is all I know, so likely in the same day-- but spread out over how many hours? "live me alone," assuming it's meant seriously, expresses a vastly different sentiment from "good morning princesa." What happened between text one and text three, do you think?
from an 859 phone number

r u n the ballroom??????
from an 859 phone number

The ballroom! How absolutely grand! Would that I were in the ballroom!
hey dorkk. =) new phone yet
from a 949 phone number

Are you asking me if I got a new phone yet? Question mark? Because, if so, the answer is no.
mire Thank u for celebrating my b-day with me!
from an 865 phone number

Ooh, happy belated birthday, 865!
FWD:FWD: Tomorrow is 9-11 thousands of ppl lost loved ones...i hope to god i never lose u. Send to everyone you dont want to lose
from a 440 phone number

I'm always of a mixed mind when it comes to forwards like this. Like the one I got last year about that teenager who had died. On the one hand, a misspelled, mis-punctuated, three-sentence text message seems to undercut the seriousness of the September 11th attacks to an extent that's almost insulting. On the other hand, text messages are THE WAY in which kids communicate, and maybe it is a positive thing that they're using their medium of choice to commemorate such a significant event. Yes/No? Opinions?
we all off on fri wanna do bible study
from a 773 phone number

I don't want to seem Satanic or anything, but if I had Friday off, Bible study would not be my number one activity of choice.
i try to be. in a way i emulate ian. i try really hard to act cocky about school sometimes and make fun of ppl. only i do it as a joke. lol
from an 813 phone number

This starts out as a really honest, soul-searching text that actually provides some insight into the minds of the "popular" kids... but that "lol" at the end undermines the whole thing. Is 813 lol-ing because she doesn't want her words to be taken as pure honesty because she fears people 'really' knowing her? Or is she lol-ing at the idea of making fun of people because she is callous and heartless? Have modern teens lost the ability to have heart-to-hearts IRL and instead have to communicate their psyches via 160-characters texts?
is wisam gonna pick up ali?
shay shay

from a 313 phone number

What kind of ethnicity is the name "Wisam"? Or is it just a typo? Come on, world travelers. Show off some knowledge.
Thank u honey for last night u kid made me forget what i was feeling and i thank u for that hey honey what do u want to go
from a 703 phone number

Maybe 703 was really depressed and Leila came around with movies and ice cream and funny stories to cheer her up. I know some of you are going to leap immediately to the "sex" conclusion-- "Thank u honey for last night" is often a start to sexual text messages-- but really I'm sticking with my movie-and-ice-cream theory.
Girl. Ar you mad at me for telling the 'secret'? I mean, you already told the human megaphone...
from a 580 phone number

Love it. Can you imagine if your nickname were "the human megaphone"? I also love the brief but definitive first sentence. "Girl." 580 means business.

I still don't know what the 'secret' is, though, and I am curious. I wish the human megaphone would talk a little louder so that I could hear.
I an back in oakland have a good time and enjoy
from a 510 phone number

Texting to say you got home safe is big business. I think Verizon makes a few bucks off me alone every months as I text people to let them know that I safely arrived somewhere.
Annnnnd we're back. After ten days out of the country, I return to no fewer than TWENTY-THREE Leila Texts, not counting a few of you who just texted to say hi (Hello, 207). I've deleted the more boring texts, but it's still going to take us a while to get caught up. Let's start with this gem:

Hey its me wat ya doinghome dogg cutie
from a 925 phone number

Hey its me wat ya doing home dogg i was jk srry that was my sis...Oooppps ...So wat ya doing?
from a 925 phone number

Just so you understand, none of the texts that I received during my vacation will be posted with dates and times (as is usually our custom, here at Leila Text Headquarters) because I received them all yesterday.

As for 925: What is he srry, jking about? Is he claiming the the first text was sent by his sis? Because both these texts were so obviously sent by the same person, I don't buy that excuse for an instant.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Okay, kids: I'm going out of the country for the next week and a half. That means no access to my cell phone, which means no text messages, which means no blog posts. I am sorry. But there's more than a year's worth of old posts up here, so I hope you won't get too bored in my absence.

Will talk to you all again soon,

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I am sorry i texted both you and your roomie at the same time, but cmon, i havent met either of you, its not like it is a social faux is it?
from an 801 phone number, Tuesday, September 2, 1:38 PM

I assumed this text was not for me, but I guess there's no way to tell, since 801 specifies that I have never met her. I really like the phrase "social faux," though. Maybe she cut off the "pas" just to fit into her character count, but I may adopt it as my new catch phrase.
Did you like the cd?
from an 832 phone number, Monday, September 1, 8:57 PM

I always like the CD. More people need to make me mixes.

Unless 832 means "the certificate of deposit," in which case, yeah, I'd like that, too. I mean, we're talking about either money or music. Who doesn't like money and music?
from a 719 phone number, Monday, September 1, 7:50 PM

This is the sort of charming self-absorption unique to teenagers in which they assume that everyone wonders what is really going on inside their heads. MySpace quizzes are in the same vein as texts like this one. So is the game "Never Have I Ever." People want to tell you the truth about themselves. But they want you to ask first.
chello goodmorning

from a 661 phone number, Saturday, August 30, 1:12 PM

Look, I recognize that "ch" is a sound, but that doesn't mean you can replace any "h" sound with it. Challah, Channukah, great. But "chello"? It's like how my co-worker Lisa says "chumus" instead of "humus." Chard to believe.

Friday, August 29, 2008

I'm sending a text to D and L, I just wanted to let you both know I have gas.
from a 202 phone number, Friday, August 29, 2:49 PM

"L" is Leila, obviously. Not sure who "D" is. It says something about present-day society that having gas is now a noteworthy event, equivalent to saying, "FYI, I just spent $60. Hope someone else is picking up the tab for dinner."
FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: Drinking non alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin..sure it taste the same but its just wrong. Keep it going!
from a 702 phone number, Thursday, August 28, 11:47 PM

This reminds me of one of my favorite ever New York Times editorials about analogies. Sure, drinking non-alcoholic beer is similar to going down on your cousin in some regards; for example, both are "just wrong." But the analogy doesn't really stand because drinking non-alcoholic is different from going down on your cousin in some significant regards; for example, one of those actions is cause for incarceration and/or birth defects, while the other is cause for being able to drive home without crashing your car. Do you know which is which?
We are fine mom
from a 440 phone number, Thursday, August 28, 11:15 PM

God, Mom, stop being such a worry-wart!
sorry I have not been in touch. I have a lot on my plate.
from a 301 phone number, Thursday, August 28, 5:15 PM

This should be like my default text that just automatically sends itself out to everyone in my address book every three weeks. Except for how usually I haven't been in touch, not because "I have a lot on my plate," but simply because "I am lazy."
Hey La, I'm officially dumped. I'll be here licking my emotional wounds.
from a 503 phone number, Thursday, August 28, 1:04 AM

Aw, sad! Sadder still, perhaps, that Leila (Or "La," as she is called) couldn't call up 503 to comfort her since she didn't receive this text. I momentarily considered calling up 503 and comforting her myself ("He wasn't good enough for you!") but it was 1:04 AM on a Wednesday night, so instead I just fell asleep.
Fwd: From: Msg: Fwd:: U OPENED THS YOU WiLL GET AN UNEXPECTED LONG KISS ON friday BUT iF U DONT SEND 2 8PPL U Will lose the person falling i
from a 719 phone number, Wednesday, August 27, 8:20 PM

It amazes me that people believe this text enough to forward it, even though it follows random, reprehensible rules of punctuation, and even though its threat gets cut off. ("U Will lose the person falling i..." Go on.) I suppose one can never be too careful with one's love life.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

FWD: FWD: Fwd:Fwd:I Love You...U got 5min 2 tell 15 frendz u love em (includin me) or da 1fallin 4 u will 4get u. >The Bond Between Us Cant Be Broken<
from a 406 phone number, Monday, August 25, 11:28 PM

What if you're asleep when you receive this text? At 11:28 PM, Leila might have been asleep. Even if she weren't, by 11:33, when she would have presumably forwarded this to 15 friends, some of THEM might be asleep. At some point, someone is going to receive this text message well after their five minutes are up. It doesn't seem fair that da 1fallin 4 them should forget them, just because they were so unlucky as to have been asleep!
Do u mean newsweek?
from an 814 phone number, Monday, August 25, 9:50 AM

Instead of... what? Newsday? Those two periodicals do have awfully similar names. Why is there no Newsmonth?
Phone never rang! Dont know of any inexpensive upholstery place
from a 201 phone number, Sunday, August 24, 10:57 PM

I don't know of any inexpensive upholstery place, either. What would I do with information like that, even if I had it? That is such a homeowner question.
Fwd:Fwd : FWD: HAPPY LAST DAY OF SUMMER!!! Tell evryone happy last day of summer if u dont u will have the worst 1st day eva!

from a 719 phone number, Sunday, August 24, 3:44 PM

Obviously yesterday was this poor kid's first day back at school. I feel bad for people who have to go back to school before Labor Day. It seems to rob them of their full summer. That said, *%'MZ.DEE'% does seem like she could benefit from a little education.
dear leila would u write a paregraph or 2 about how to train volunteers 4 bookmobile 2 do story time. i give u double time since its weekend. if u email
from an 818 phone number, Saturday, August 23, 9:48 PM

it to me tomrrow even late nite its fine. if u cant do it thats fine too. im in pasadena all day mon. no access to email. iwill check email late sun. tnx :)
from an 818 phone number, Saturday, August 23, 9:51 PM

For double time, hell, I would write a paragraph or two about how to train volunteers to do story time on the bookmobile. I don't actually know how to do this, but for double time pay, I could figure it out.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Im at macys wish u were here. Lots of new dresses and im stuck in one in the 2nd fl dressing rm send help haha
from a 508 phone number, Friday, August 22, 9:08 PM

I HATE getting stuck in dresses in dressing rooms. The rooms so small and cramped, and then when I get stuck in a dress I start to panic, which only makes it harder to work myself out of it, and I have to do deep breathing exercises, and if some store employee raps on the door and perkily asks if I "need any help in there," I sometimes accidentally rip the dress... It's bad news. How 508 can be in a calm enough state of mind to send text messages and write "haha" is beyond me.
Want tm gm tm dinner w makees!.?
from a 201 phone number, Wednesday, August 20, 11:37 AM

Since 201 has proven himself incapable of hitting the number 6 key the correct number of times, it's impossible to make out what "makees" is supposed to mean. Maybe "oakees." Maybe "nakees." Maybe even "obleer."
Julie went 2 tours @ winman 2day. guess who was a tour guide? lolz!
from a 401 phone number, Thursday, August 21, 10:03 PM

Probably Winman Jr. High, in Warwick, Rhode Island. That's what the area code implies, anyway. I guess Julie is a soon-to-be student there, getting a tour. I can't really guess who was a tour guide, though.
i dont like her
from a 914 phone number, Wednesday, August 20, 12:05 AM

What did she ever do to you?
FWD: "KARMA" If u luv Jesus N ur glad he woke u up 2day send this to 10 ppl(EVEN ME) and watch in 60 sEc. Melissa Melissa Melissa
from a 719 phone number, Tuesday, August 19, 9:51 PM

See, this is more the creative sort of forward that I was hoping for. I wonder what would happen in 60 seconds. I hope something religious.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Hey!Ur not answering ur evite2my BIG summer Bash this sat@7!10657 N. Coronado circle. Flip flops & grass skirts! We need ur bartending skills!Mads
from a 559 phone number, Monday, August 18, 10:34 PM

Here is a map to the party, if you're in the Fresno area and want to go. Saturday at 7, I hear. Just show up and pretend your name is Leila. Don't forget your grass skirt.
Fwd:Fwd:FWD: Fwd:Fwd:Fwd: Msg: Ifucanreadthisitmeansthatwewillalwaysbefriendendthistoallthefriendsudontwanttoloseandseewhathappensintenminutes.
from a 719 phone number, Monday, August 18, 12:32 PM

Fwd: --Fwd:FWD:FW:Forward this to ten of your best friends then look at your wallpaper. Don't get mad it's funny.
from a 719 phone number, Monday, August 18, 12:41 PM

I am so bored of seeing both these forwards. I guess that's the point of chains, though: that they are wholly unoriginal.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Hi! i hope u will get this message.i just wanna check if your number works :) give me a sign when u get it.take care! Dorota
from a 310 phone number, Sunday, August 17, 8:38 PM

Poor Dorota. Hopes so often do not come true.
Cant wait for u to get back so we can play tennis Venus n Serena won the gold lol
Praise the lord

from a 908 phone number, Sunday, August 17, 3:55 PM

I can't tell if this is a sort of joking "praise the lord," as in, "Oh, thank goodness, Venus and Serena won the gold; what WOULD we have done otherwise"-- or if this is a serious, "I never send a text message, no matter how light-hearted, without praising the lord in the process" sort of statement. You know? What makes me suspicious is that "praise the lord" comes on a separate line, as though it is a thought entirely unconnected to the tennis commentary.

Maybe 908 should hang out with that Leila Texter who once told me that, when Jesus died on the cross, he was thinking of me.
Brad wants to know...will you hook up with him?
from a 914 phone number, Saturday, August 16, 10:14 PM

PS- he said he'd pay me 50 bux if you agreed to, so please do it! lol no pun intended...luv ya! oh & call me l8r to discuss th curtains.
from a 914 phone number, Saturday, August 16, 10:22 PM

These are best text messages I have received this week, bar none. Just to clarify: Brad is willing to pay 914 $50 if she gets Leila to hook up with him, essentially as though Leila gives KISSES for MONEY and 914 is her PIMP. AMAZING.

Also, how legendary a kisser must Leila be if her kisses are worth $50? I've never put a price on mine, but I'd venture that they come in under the $50 mark.
where are you we are here
from an 804 phone number, Saturday, August 16, 9:12 PM

Wherever you are, 804, I wish I were there, too, as currently I'm on a BoltBus somewhere between Boston and NYC (but far too close to Boston). Yes, there is WiFi, which means I can update this blog; however, there is also traffic. How is there not a carpool or bus lane on the Mass Pike? Shouldn't the government want to encourage group transport, especially as we near an oil crisis?

Okay. Whoa. A little too much of a soapbox, there. Maybe 804 didn't need all that detail about my whereabouts.
FWd:FWD: Fwd:Fwd:Fwd: Msg:
Ifucanreadhisitmeansthatwewillalwaysbefriendsendthistoallthefriendsudontwanttoloseandseewhathappensintenminutes. *Brittany*

from a 719 phone number, Saturday, August 16, 7:31 PM

I don't really understand the connection between being able to read that text and always being friends. Is being able to read words without spaces between them *Brittany*'s main criterion for picking friends? If so, why? Also, I don't buy this "seewhathappensintenminutes" crap. It looks like it was taken out of context from that popular forward about how your cell phone wallpaper will change if you forward this text to fifteen people and blah blah.

Complaints aside, props to *Brittany* for signing her name. Most text forwards are so impersonal. This sig line makes it clear that *Brittany* really cares.
Hi leila its becky i got a phone now
from an 818 phone number, Saturday, August 16, 3:02 PM

I wonder if this is Becky's first phone ever? At what age do American kids get their first phones, nowadays? My boss's daughter has a cell phone and she is only 11; however, she does not have texting. NOR SHOULD SHE, in my opinion. The fewer 11-year-olds with texting, the fewer appalling text forwards I receive. For example, the one I am about to post. Stay tuned.
poole hey this concert is great wish ypu were here
drinking vino eating cheese and grooving to the stones.......memories

from a 702 phone number, Friday, August 15, 11:17 PM

The only Leila Poole I can find is this one, but she lives in the UK, so this text was probably not directed to her. Also, the Stones do not appear to be touring this summer, so this must be some sort of "cover band" concert. Finally, why do I hate it so much when Americans talk about "drinking vino"? Why do I find that turn of phrase more pretentious than all my pretensions?
FWD: FWD: Someone asked me what i love about life i smiled and said the person reading this! Make it a great day!
from a 724 phone number, Friday, August 15, 8:35 PM

People very rarely ask me what I love about life. Maybe they are just not all that interested.

Friday, August 15, 2008

from a 718 phone number, Friday, August 15, 12:22 PM

In theory, 718 is correct that, if you hit your number 4 key a certain number of times, you will wind up with the word 'hi.' But in practice, 718 has horribly misapplied this rule with stunningly disfigured results.
is that you?
from a 415 phone number, Thursday, August 14, 7:48 PM

Well, it is me... which is probably not the 'you' you were referring to.
when is my mom coming home?

from a 313 phone number, Wednesday, August 13, 9:59 PM

From this girl again. I'm concerned because I now gather that asking Leila about her mother's whereabouts is Doonya/Dunya's constant. m.o. Also, dear: which is it, Doonya or Dunya? Make up your mind. You don't see me changing the spelling of my name like that. I'm not some days Leila and some days Leela. (That would defeat the purpose of the Leila Texts.)
U just lost the game!
from a 401 phone number, Wednesday, August 13, 9:05 PM

Sorry. Didn't know we were playing.
Hey lady, I got the job I was telling you about so I'm moving to Denver in a month!! I'll call later to tell you more but wanted to give you the news. :D
from a 646 phone number, Wednesday, August 13, 7:34 PM

This is from a different 646 phone number, and this one I do find authentic. i.e. It doesn't seem purposefully constructed for my benefit. Anyway, congratulations 646 and all that. Denver seems far away, but props to you if that's where you want to be.

I'm interested in the salutation "Hey lady." A lot of my friends say this, but I'm not sure why or where it comes from. It seems particular to my generation. Anyone care to give me some etymological context?
Let's face it, this will involve four wheelers and possibly a chainsaw.
from a 646 phone number, Wednesday, August 13, 11:29 AM

I doubt the legitimacy of this Leila Text. Since my blog was featured in Manhattan User's Guide on Wednesday, approximately one hour before I received this text message from an NYC phone number... Well, I'm just not convinced that it is 'for real,' that's all.
If u have a cancel today can i come xo miss seeing ya
from a 704 phone number, Wednesday, August 13, 8:26 AM

Do you think this Leila is a doctor? Or like a vet or a social worker or something? Using 'cancel' as a noun ("a cancel") is unique to certain professions, I think.
Fuck you
from an 862 phone number, Tuesday, August 12, 11:07 PM

Oh, yeah, 862: really constructive, mature way of dealing with your emotions here.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

from a 310 phone number, Tuesday, August 12, 8:22 PM

Call me old-fashioned, but I come from a strong tradition of not allowing cell phones at camp. I believe that they interfere with the insular experience that makes summer camp so valuable. I don't know if Marissa's Intended Leila is a camper or a counselor, but, frankly, if she's not the goddamn camp director, I don't think she should have a cell phone in her bunk.
where is my mom i know you guys are having coffee dont lie!

from a 313 phone number, Monday, August 11, 9:56 PM

Having coffee with Doonya's mom would be an odd thing to lie about, but I guess Leila would have her reasons. Doonya's text does come off a little like she's accusing Leila of kidnapping her mother, but that's probably just a stylistic quirk.
Did u find out if we have 2 go 2morrow?
from a 661 phone number, Monday, August 11, 1:50 AM

My dear 661, at 1:50 AM, you are no longer talking about tomorrow. You are talking about later on today.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

because i dont want to
from a 716 phone number, Sunday, August 10, 1:48 PM

do u want times?
from a 716 phone number, Sunday, August 10, 2:49 PM

I assume this second text refers to the Sunday Times, because I can't think what other sort of times one might want at 2:49 PM on a Sunday. And to answer your question, 716: Yes, I do want them.
come over tonight for olympics. we're going to do shots each time the chinese announcer guy mispronounces a country. :)

from an 814 phone number, Friday, August 8, 6:13 PM

You see? This is what they mean when they say the Olympics unifies the nation, not to mention the world. Now, I didn't watch the opening ceremonies with ~*tischa*~. But I did watch them. And through the mass medium of television, Tischa and I and millions of others were, for a few hours on Friday, connected.

(Though I would like to go on record as saying that I, unlike ~*tischa*~, did not do a shot every time a Chinese announcer mispronounced a country's name because I, unlike ~*tischa*~, try to minimize racism in my life.)
From one Leila to another Leila: "It its got tires or testicles... its gonna give you trouble."
from a 314 phone number, Sunday, August 10, 2:42 AM

But really from one Leila to another Leila, yet intended for a third Leila still. I feel like we're in an Oscar Wile play entitled The Importance of Being Leila.
Im @ a dance convention here @ da radison
from a 401 phone number, Saturday, August 9, 12:48 PM

That would be the xtreme dance jam that happened this weekend in Rhode Island. It looks really fun, actually. I wish I had been there. I <3 conventions nearly as much as I <3 dance.
FWD: Fwd: The day i stop being there for u is the day u close my eyes 4ever. If i dont get this bak i understand. Send to 15 ppl u wont turn ur back on.
from a 408 phone number, Friday, August 8, 5:00 PM

I never understand these texts that involve lines like "If i dont get this bak i understand." Is that supposed to be some sort of passive-aggressive technique? Or do you have such low self-esteem that you just can't expect anyone to say she won't turn her back on you?

Here's a question: Is 15 people a large or small number to not turn your back on? I actually can't think of that many people I WOULD turn my back on. Well, I don't know. I guess it depends on your definition of "turning your back."
from a 757 phone number, Friday, August 8, 1:50 AM

Let me in on the joke!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

mortazavi heyy girl.
from an 804 phone number, Thursday, August 7, 7:23 PM

Wait, there are two girls named Leila Mortazavi! How am I supposed to know which one is our Intended Leila?
from soccer can u come. jesse and ciara come this week but they not nice to me. dont ask. i have no friends their so i need u o come tomaro.
from a 949 phone number, Thursday, August 7, 4:13 PM

This text is sad. I can't decide what the saddest part is: that 949 believes she has no friends, or that she cannot form an English sentence with all the components present and in the right order.

from a 702 phone number, Wednesday, August 6, 9:53 PM

L'chaim, Kenzie.